Monday, June 13, 2005 // 9:42 PM

i liked today very much, hurhurhur. i want the holidays to last forever, perched on the eternal brink of school. i never thought i would have much to say to people like jason, marcus, but things are just easy at the end of the day. hopelessly easy, happily easy. guys are cooooool, but tomorrow will be a girly day.

terence said i used to be angsty and scary. i think. i think i used to be full of violence, i think i'll probably be a better person for having these sort of experiences, but at the same time, it's just something so extremely difficult to exhume. i dont think i was very much of a paikia before (though i know people who would disagree) but certainly things were a mess, i was a mess. im not sure if i would say i am fully out of it, i probably and not, but. im getting there, i'll get there some day just you wait and see. i listed eight burdens for serene's workshop and one of them was My Sanity. i think it is a scary thing to not even know the validity of your own thoughts, like how. like how choo said i lived in my own little world, like how ma told me how she worried so desperately that i would end up in woodbridge. praying for my sound mind. so maybe i'll never be completely okay, but maybe i'd like to always be on this side of the fence. this side, where i can still function. but i dont think that portion of me is ever going to go away, it sticks, as does the reminder that mental illness runs in my family. it does, by the way. schizophrenia to be exact. sometimes i wonder what a parent would do, what a sibling would do, if one were to go in that kind of direction. da. da i already know what you did, and i cant decide a single thing about that. how would i have reacted, if i were you. i dont know and i hope i never have to find out.

i dont think i will ever be okay with these eternity conversations. i both do and dont want them to go on.

i really wonder who reads my blog. i dont know why i am thinking about this. let me know if you do, okay. unless you're somebody obvious that i'd already know, or something.

tomorrow i shall 1)train like sh 1)wake up early 2)train like shit 3)DO SOME WORK 4)get my surveys zapped 5)go for selena type dinner with yd girls 6)pack for church camp 7)sleep really early. other than ManicStudying next week i also need to 1)buy out kinokuniya 2)plan and execute small group outing even though my leaders havent heard about it yet 3)psyche myself up for school 4)train really hard 5)watch gattaca 6)watch the baz luhrmann films.

and it feels like the holidays are over already.