Monday, June 13, 2005 // 12:41 AM

manic

i just wish i could control my moods, stick them into a box and deal with them at home. with a pen and paper and happy music. i can only deal with them when i am alone and i guess i should be happy that im at least learning how to deal with them. a new secret formula that does not involve putting substances into my body.

i need to stop clubbing people over the head with what i think. sometimes i think im too rash and too blatant to be subtle, that kind of manipulative. too jump-start judgemental to be anything but a manic fundamentalist or manic liberal, whichever shoe happens to fit my given situation. i am always on the losing side and i think it is my fault.

ella. please go get some work done, PLEASE. please start, because the two weeks that are left are enough to make any one feel like they are shitted. maybe what i miss about gep is that there were always people more slack than me, people like gab smith et cetera who i could count on to be the Real Slackers Around. and having Real Slackers Around means that i wouldnt allow myself to become a Real Slacker, i would never do something unless i could be the best at it. hurhur hello superiority complex. and. and i do care about my studies, maybe not as much as certain unprofessed overacheivers that i know. let's accept that you're much better at this than me. but i dont want to trash my studies because i do give a shit about them and i dont think im being given two thou bucks to sit on my arse. i cant be a overacheiver because... because it makes me miserable, i suppose. i dont have a very high tolerance for Things I Dont Like To Do, i have no discipline at all. i cannot describe how manic happy i have been without thinking about school the past two weeks. i cant help feeling like im a much more pleasant person when the holidays roll around, understandably so i suppose, because school-> stress-> exhaustion -> moodiness -> overall instability. unhappiness, i dont want to be unhappy, i can truthfully say i dont care about much else any more, maybe because it is the holiday and because i can get away with things for another two more weeks. hello i just want to be happy, i just want the Simple Things like going out with friends and chilling and hanging out and. and shit like that. you have no idea what kind of perspective change this is for me, because saying i would rather be happy than right is something that i am only very recently able to truthfully say.

one very happy moment today: singing wonderwall on the bus, brandon on the guitar. i really love hanging around with you guys. selena says that it is important to have a group of good girlfriends, which i wont deny, i am just saying. i am very much happy with this easy conversation, how easy it is to be with the guys in these kind of little situations.

i think i say shit too much, and sarah agrees, and that bothers me because i feel like i am accountable to her (and i am) and i dont want her to become like me. so i feel like i have to change, being a Role Model is an extremely uncomfortable thing for me, because of how extremely wack i am. but. but i suppose this is going to teach me some shady form of discipline. hurhur. terence says sarah's starting to Not Care about being physically dirty and that that itself is my influence, hurhurhur. the idea amuses me a lot because yes i would roll around in the mud if i thought it would make me happy to do so, and i cant believe something so subtle might rub off, so silently. and my cursing, my curling up with myself. i suppose these are things i dont want her to pick up from me, but i suppose that means that these are things that i have to remove from myself, completely. this is pressure but this is probably healthy because i have never been forced to do a single thing in my entire life. now i feel, now i feel like i ought be forcing myself, for some sort of good reason, and it is. an exceedingly strange sensation.

and sarah, sarah was very nice to me last now, when i was going all Un-Happy about being reminded that there are two weeks left to blocks. she and joel, and it was a small slice of comfort that i really needed, because they were the only two who bothered to speak to me in soft tones of voice and with comforting words, while all i wanted to do was sulk and curl up with myself. and my pending moodiness, curl up with myself. i. i want to be nice like that, i want to learn to care about people because i cant stand this way i am right now, so void and so independent. i was fiercely independent as a kid, ma read it as rebellion but i told her that i only acted that way because i thought that was the way i was expected to be. things like my not wanting anyone to take me to school on the very first day, kindergarten, because that's how far back the thought goes, the conviction that i ought be fend for myself. having been taught that i dont know, strength is good and weakness is bad, i force feed things onto myself and then break apart when i cant take them. there are a lot of things with which i cut myself too little slack, and maybe. maybe that's what breaks me up. despite how i easily i am imbued with trauma, how michelle says i cant take physical discomfort. i hated that part of myself because it looks like such a huge chunk of weakness but it is the only way that i can work. ma says i ought cut myself some slack because im not that horrible a person at all. i do think that though, that im a horrible person. i want to be a nice person very badly, but all i feel is my own selfishness and my own defence. aaron. aaron when you said that i have a good heart, you made me happier than you know.

i have been having Very Good Conversations with my uncles lately. i know im just so blessed to have such a huge extended family, all these people to bounce ideas off. i want a throwback to simpler times, i really do think family is incredibly important. as lack of comfort, simple and happy laughter to fill your head with. enough happy hormones and nothing else matters.