Sunday, June 12, 2005 // 2:12 AM

so anyway. things brought me back to my old neighbourhood today, it's. it's a speechless coincidence, it's how small things look now, to my seventeen year old eyes. i cant say again how sad i am at having left every last thing behind. the playground, the playground is different. no more sand or pale red brick, new paint on the railings. the entire section with the tire swings the red flowers all over the ground and the endless, endless mosquitoes is gone. i dont know how gone, because i couldnt very well walk over there today, how. how i would have liked to. we used to climb on that tire, hide things inside. that playground was always deserted, because of the mosquities? and every time i went there i had to carry my bike up and down the steps, stay there all afternoon. all afternoon.


i know there were people i used to hang out with then, but i have blocked out every one. i cant believe my mind can do this to me but. but it has. the only reason i know i cant have been alone was that someone used to push me on the swing, so there. certainly there was someone, lingering with me til the sky grew dark every evening. someone, someones. with me and my spray painted bike and my headfull of thoughts, bleeding wrecklessness. we were children then.

yesterday i remembered something lucid i thought at seven years old. it is a scary feeling, because that was the same me, wearing red crane earrings at chinese new year, thinking: some day i will remember this moment, this moment exactly. i do that often, i do it even now, i think: some day i will remember this exact feeling. well. well i did remember that moment, that seven year old Eleanor, but it didnt prolong it any longer, and. and things just went , things just left. i look so so different from my six year old self, even though my hairstyle is exactly the same i kid you not. but. but i dont have a child's face any more, i dont have a child's brashness. i dont have a child's thoughts but even then i had the same lucidity, and that is what scares me. in my mind i could reach all the way back into those days, and it's the same person, it's ultimately the same person. that single quality hasnt changed, like one cord that keeps all the pieces together. whatever the pieces, lucidity. lucidity has stayed with me, lucidty has been there right from the start.


how do i explain. i am so infinitely sad because i think my leaving was the biggest and most traumatic thing that has ever happened in my entire life. i am so infinitely sad because i think it has made the world of a difference, an absolute world. an absolute universe. i am so infinitely sad because from then on things changed and took another and more twisted path, i ceased to be a natural self. things from them on became deliberated. i twisted myself into a mess, i set a cyclone into motion. and. every year from then til now need not have happened, i could have avoided all that misery, all that misery that i brought onto myself. i dont know why the change of environment made me make up my mind about a person that i ought be, i dont think its a coincidence that i went crazy in primary four. you know i used to be a much simpler person, i used to have much simpler and happy times. eleanorho-robintan times. devoid of politicking. devoid of. every pretence, every proud idea in my mind. hello i could have been so different a person, i could have and i could have if things had happened right here, where things started, where i cant help feeling things ought to have their end.

i dont know, to dip into my childhood. because i wonder how much of it i have blocked out, and why, why. what have i lost to my body's own defence mechanism. this is crazy, what could possibly have been so out of the ordinary. i dont know. i dont even know if i can say that i want things back, because. because i dont know what they were, what the reacquisition of knowledge is going to do to me. tell me my past doesnt matter, except from having shaped every aspect of the person that i am, the person that i am. i cant exhume you if i dont know your name, what your face looks like.

i have become a complicated person and i just cant help feeling the whole shitload of craziness could have been avoided. you could have been avoided, but you werent, and now i am. now i am everything that is wrong with me, every last bitterness that has twisted itself into the vine of my personality. i cant, i cant articulate. i know it seems like i am making such a huge deal out of things but. you have no idea how much the entire experience meant to me. it meant the world to me. it meant the world and that world was taken away and i had to find my footing with what was left. im sorry but i think that's a precocious age to be at.

it's just me and my bitterness, it's just me imagining. there could be one single source to all my throbbing sadness.