Sunday, June 12, 2005 // 12:26 AM

you. you are a running song. i dont think i have ever had a song do that to me before.

i apologize more than any other person i know. i wish i could just stop doing things that require these constant and perpetual apologies, sorry sorry sorry sorry. even if you say i am making Big Deals out of Nothings, it is still. how things dont feel right, with me.

i couldnt say a thing to dennis today because it felt too much like i was talking to myself. part of me is still a giddy hedonist, how could i convince you that i have the answer to all your life's questions, when i can feel so strongly your conviction that you want to stay right where you are. like i am some shining example, like i could explain, even if i tried, what i have felt with Christianity. it is Christianity. how do i explain faith, the essence of faith is something i cannot intellectually argue around. having faith is something that has required me to tear down every single intellectual belief i have ever had, every screw of logic, and nothing has been harder for me than this. how can you explain how you came to believe something, and why, how could i in a million years explain what Christianity has done for me. all i know is that my being lost previously manifested itself in how wrong things felt every once in a while (and sometimes all day every day) how wrong things were going, the crazy storm in my head that rages at life and its pointlessness. and now, now i understand or have the basis of understanding everything that has ever brought me to my knees, it is not something i think i could convince you of, it is just this thing i feel, this sureness this new strength that does not come from myself. i have been too resolutely on the other side of the fence and that i know every arguement that cannot be refuted, on your terms and your terms alone. i never used to make any room for this thing called faith, which has made all the difference to my entire world. i cant, i cant say it. im paralysed by being able to see both sides to this thing.

daryl makes me feel like an incredibly horrible person. i dont know, i think i need reminders like these all the time.

i just cant ever imagine being sure of myself, about anything. anything at all.

i dont want to live in my ice castle. i dont wish i felt nothing, anymore. maybe stupidity, stupidity in itself, doesnt have to be something i vehemently avoid. like the plague. i would rather be happy than right.