Thursday, July 14, 2005 // 12:10 AM

so let us linger, spending someone's hard earned cash. i dont want to go home, i want to sit on the sidewalk til the sun comes up, and then i want to close my eyes and wake up warm in my bed, at twelve in the afternoon. not having to go to school, to stutter through lectures, to Make Happy Noises, to think again about My Future, current affairs, political situations, intellectual and academic analysis. i am too much the idealistic dreamer to feel comfortable in these shoes. no im tired, no i dont want to think of this, let me return to happier thoughts, let me return to sleep.; sleep, sleep away my unproductivity, the mega-caloric nydc brownie, the school-induced (i am sure) splitting headache, the guilt of overindulgence or not guilt: the guilt at not feeling the guilt of overindulgence, the physical exhaustion, the Angry At Myself, the pending sadness (give me a few more hours awake, i know). i am physical the mess of chemicals the mass of cells and skin and one and flesh and dna. this is more thinking than i would like to be doing, less thinking and more dreaming please. more dreaming. more senseless inane whimsicality, more nothingness more nothingness more nothingness. enveloped in sleep or blank eyed drifing on the surface of a lake. perched somewhere high up like a gargoyle, floating above everyone else but not with a ballon, just floating because there is nothing to pin me down, drag me earthward. im sad, because im sad, because these things never will come true and i want them, i want them very badly, i want them in my reality, i want them to be the only thing i see when i open my eyes tomorrow morning. instead. instead of the mess that is my life, instead of work to do painfully overdue, instead of every surface of every wall closing in on me with all the things im expected to be, all the things im expected to do. acheive, he screams, while brandon says: things are as simple as you pereceive them to be. sometimes i think the laws like that dont apply in my world, how do i get out of my world, how do i break out, break out. i want it now. if i am anything at all i am full of self-indulgence, you should know this, you should know this by now.

my tiredness. i'll go away.