Sunday, July 03, 2005 // 12:03 AM

there are a lot of things i need to be thinking about now, letters i want to write, people i want to talk to. these things become Needs because of what i have to fulfil, this Function i have undertaken. i. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. im tired.im tired but not exhausted, i am afraid that i might be overloading myself, piling myself up with things that i will not be able to take. there's a lot of church stuff that i need to do. there is clubhouse stuff that i need to do, which i feel i should be doing especially since im on the committee. i have a new piano mentee, i need to talk to sarah more cos i feel like im not really talking much to her at all. which makes me sad because the girl has just done so much for me without even knowing it, and i think i am just over and over again disappointing her. im sad, i sad because im failing and i dont want to fail not because of My Failure, but because of how it affects other people.

another person i want to talk to very much is christl. christl who is still Nice Christl An Arm To Hug A Shoulder To Literally Lean On, after long long times. hello woman ELLA MISSES YOU. i dont think you'll be reading this, but. sigh. im just wondering what's up in your life right now.

i want to be supergirl. the thing is, i care a lot about these things, i care a lot about everything. about everyone, or at least, a whole heck lot of people. i think i'm going to come to a point where i burn out from exhaustion, exhaustion from these things that i love.

im. im trying to turn things out, instead of so constantly looking in on myself. my self, i have a lot to deal with right now, i dont think they're going to go away if i dont think about them. where do i start: i disgust myself. i am so freaking self-glorifying. i am still a horrible person, and wanting to be a nice person, caring about it, is not enough. hello ella wants to be perfect but ella doesnt want to so fucking self-gratifying, so self-serving. i want to learn to be selfless, and humble, without coming to a point where i start deprecating myself. hello ella also doesnt think she can do that, ella has. ella has a hurricane inside her head and outside as well, eggs and trinkets to keep intact. i have been too happy lately and i know, i know there is such a thing. there is such a thing as being too secure, too happy, too interesting. dont you know, everything is just the most precarious balance and i. i'm tripping up and on two left feet, i. i dont even know where to begin doing things.

i looked at you today and. and i felt just so incredibly sad. i was sad too today but at least at the end i know i'll get over it, i really believe that now. i really believe that. i have so much love in my life right now i. i think i could do anything. i really. i really cant stand the thought of someone else's sadness. it chews me up inside and i. i just cant forget the look on your face, sometimes, the way you just look so lost. at times like these i just want everyone else to be happy, i would barter some of my happiness for your melancholy. at least i know or i know right now that i will be okay, okay after a fix, because i trust myself to be strong at the end of the day. crazy haphazard helter skelter, but at least i know i can survive. after a fix.

sean asked me to put something violent for his survey question 'What are some of the ways you use to relieve stress?'. i. i dont have to pretend to be self destructive for the sake of your statistics. it just makes me think of how little you know about me, the kind of person that i am, used to be, still am. i still am. i am. i am destroying myself and trying to fight it, i am trying to stop destroying myself. i drank a carton of milk and a can of coffee today to try and. to try and get addicted to something healthier. how screwed up is that, using an addiction to cure an addiction. this is no Solution. this is me running around in circles, chasing my own tail. but. but i dont have a better idea.

i just want to listen to slow music, Very Loud, right now. eat a chocolatey muffin. there. there is absolutely no one i want to talk to right now. not even fong not even jeannette not even kevin. i. im too tired to laugh, to smile, to be happy. you would make me all those things right now. i would listen to alanis, i would listen to my sad weepy music. i want a hug, i want one long good cry, for absolutely no reason at all. i have no reason at all.