Wednesday, August 10, 2005 // 9:18 PM

after after the storm

i dont know what to think, it seems i have a lot of thinking to do. it feels too much like the coming out of a daydream, the past few months and how i thought i was so maniacally happy. did they really exist, were they really there? after trying so hard to pretend that i am normal, it all just feels at the end like something is missing. not that i am convinced that i cant be normal (the way it seems it comes across to sharon), it just feels like. like normal is insufficient, all this society is ultimately not enough. i dont know i dont know i dont know. these are friends who have made me feel loved and made me feel blessed and gave me some of the best times i have ever known. i know this in my head, if not in my heart, right now. but still. i dont know, there seems a hole, there seems a barrier, an ocean of things that cannot be said to them. what can i say but i need a greater honesty than this. perhaps id even go so far as to ask for an honesty that would break my heart, periodically, just to be able to feel something. i. i need to feel something, and when i look back at these past few months they have just been completely numb. in my head somewhere i know 1) they have probably been better than what i have previously known 2) they were probably not as bad as i have in my head right now. but now after the end of things i suddenly come to a standstill and im wondering, what have i known of things at all? do i know these people, how honest have they been? maybe that's why i am so in love with honest conversations, because they are a glimpse of things the way i want them. i. i want something more than this blanketing hollowness, even though i think it may even be too much to ask, and too much to take, every minute of every moment of every day. after all the logic and the math of it all, im still disatisfied, malcontender.

and in a flash i have remembered the many reasons why people cut, in a flash i have realised that i wont ever be able to promise to never do this again. i cant promise that i'll never feel like this again, i. i cant promise that i wont choose to deal with my problems this way, to deal with the emotions this way, to want do desperately to stop myself from going numb. that' how i felt, the avalanche the slow and dulling of the senses the panic brewing silently and far away and me, here, myself, needing to be able to control my own emotions. make me feel something because at least then i'll know that i am alive, that i can feel, that there is hope for me. i can't promise that i'll never cut again because i said the words a long time ago and i thought i would never come to this point again, but i am here. oh im a lot more stable than i used to be, but im starting to think that being human involves a certain amount of instability, and. i dont know whether im a freak case or not, here, but i suspect i am.

right now im not sure what might help me, what might spell an escape from this feeling of mundane hopelessness. could i doctor my own personality, should i even try? sometimes i just want to sit still for hours, leave myself behind. sometimes. sometimes i want to die just because i am tired, i am tired of all this endless rigmarole, all the bombardment of Bad Emotion. im forgetting the good emotion i know but don't stop me, don't stop me now. maybe i've believed everything ever said about me, she has problems no one can solve, she is a bad influence, she's crazy, she's so different (good), she's so...different (bad).what's wrong with me, am i asking too much. am i refusing to accept that life will never be perfect.

hey. do you remember how i used to say i wouldn't live past twenty one? at most four people will remember this, five plus shaoning, who i just told. im sad im sad im so bitterly sad. because i dont ever want to feel the way i did then but i feel it coming back, and. and it strangely, sadly. it feels like coming home. after trying so hard to escape from the finality, the fatality, this cold concrete cell that is my internal world.

i feel myself going further into myself, withdrawal that is not withdrawal, because. i dont know why because. somebody talk to me, to keep me on this side of the universe. because i feel myself slipping away, and i could drag a couple of people with me.

you know how we bounce our negativity off each other. i apologize, and the guilt, the guilt. feeling like i am the one at fault, like if i killed myself right now i would be doing the world one of the hugest favours. like my twistedness would die with me, instead of lashing out at every single person i love. if i am a bad influence you should know, i never wanted to be, i dont know. i dont know how to be not, without an endless pretence.

and. and i dont see how i could tell someone else my problems, despite how you keep saying i should stop bottling up. 1) i dont want to burden people with the mess of things going on in my head 2) you wouldn't undersand, anyway, even if i had tried. it's. it's difficult to help me and so i won't blame you, i couldn't blame you at all. and then after the effects of being subdued have left off, i am back to being cocky, brash, insensitive, unfeeling. how could i possibly blame you for wanting nothing to do with me.

right now. right now i want to be proved wrong but i really believe it, i really believe that no one can help me.

im just. so so sick of people not understanding how i feel. i know it's not your fault and i know it's not (really) that you don't care. but. but. how alone do i feel right now, absolutely alone. it's not just about being screwed up, it's me wanting something that is too much to ask, it's me needing to much, so much more than can be given. where can i escape this, turn me in the right direction.

and this, this has accomplished nothing save the articulation of poison inside my head, changing nothing.