Thursday, August 18, 2005 // 10:30 PM

desperate

i. i suddenly realised what you were trying to say, all this very very long while. how could i, how could i have guessed any otherwise, i'm sorry i feel stupid, i'm sorry and not sorry, at your coolness, at my being coiled up like a spring, ready to unleash myself on the first unsuspecting stranger. stranger, hello you unsuspecting stranger. now that i know, i won't have a trouble letting go, now that i know i will work on forgetting, it becomes the easier thing, the most natural thing to do.

this, this is how we do it, isnt it? i wasn't forcing anything onto you, i was just picking and choosing the bits that i did and didnt want to hear. no you have misread, this is not whati meant at all.

(but what else could i have meant? that a spade is not a spade, a heart is a club, really, dressed up and deceitful? what am i doing even talking to you, why do we linger at the door with this petty conversation, saying nothing, knowing every word of each other's minds?)

you. you are cruel, how could you do this to me. how could you have so nonchalantly disentagled yourself from my embrace and slipped out of the room, not saying a word. maybe, maybe i wanted to feel hurt, maybe i wanted you to torment me, just so i might feel something, just to ensure that i wouldnt be left alone. how could you have known what to do, the one thing that scared me the most, wielded the most potential damage? no i insist, you are cruel, or else i am lying still, but this time only to myself.

so, so take your things and go, so i'm daring you to be the first one to leave. just so i can feel abandoned, just so i can play the victim's card with less apprehension, more female cattiness. (so, so, babe, tell me what it is like, to not care about me at all.) because i wanted so much to say don't, don't you dare lose the sensation, don't you dare forget how beautiful we are, how passing, how precious, how solitary. i forget, really, i have forgotten already.

i have given myself away.