Thursday, August 18, 2005 // 10:52 PM

i liked burton's willy wonka. pretty much the only thing i Liked Very Much about charlie.

i just said the following things:
1) i am an idealist
2) idealists are naive
3) they're deliriously happy until someone bursts their bubble
4) then they stick their fingers in their ears and say I DONT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
4) and they become informed idealists
5) who are fallen idealists who refuse to let go of their ideals
6) and that's sad
(so don't be an idealist)
(be a cynic)
(and be perpetually sad)
or keep feeling all smartypants about yourself?
7) that'd be giving in
8) cos the world is the cynic's playground
9) and i refuse to embrace it

someone stick some sense into my head. i've forgotten all the convictions i used to have, one look in my direction and i've passed out, swooning. pathetic, i used to call this pathetic, or i still do, but khin convinces me that feeling things is not pathetic it's Very Human, and so therefore pathetic, in itself, becomes much less of a bad word.

i wish i could share their conviction, but. but things happen, or emotion happens, and i'm just so sick of reeling it in, sticking it in the drawer. i don't know, i've never thought of myself as an emotional person maybe because i would be willing to work hard at being stoical, maybe because there was always marian to compare myself to. all of a sudden look here i have a new adjective, attached to myself, outright, instead of closet, along with my closet-many-things. help, sometimes i think. i am so utterly hopeless.

but i refuse to embrace it.