Monday, August 08, 2005 // 4:03 AM
maybe i'll never stop being obsessed with my own strength.
i want the normal life.
i'm semi fond of my brother right now. it took desperation to make me talk to him.
i dont think i will ever learn to love and that makes me sad.
i'm shackled to logic and to the idea that i have to be so freaking strong. i want to break out of it all. i apologize to all the people who have used that word on me in the past, because i am not, i am not, i am not. strong i am not. the only thing strong about me are the walls that i have put up, to protect myself, to protect my jelly insides. the me you have not seen is still that soft jelly person, hiding in the cracks of my ice castle, singing children's songs to keep warm. to convince myself of hope or some sort of optimism. how much convincing do i need right now. i have built up my ice castle so tediously, so laboriously, and now all i want to do is just jump ship. dismantle my Value System.
i wish i could tell every single person. because it makes it so much easier to bear, to know that this is. that this is Ordinary Life. i still feel like a freak, i'm not expecting that to go away. i don't know whether i will come to a day where i lose this side of myself completely, completely. and there would be a huge gaping hole behind what once used to be, and. and i would be uncertain forever, i would be choked up forever.
i can't take forever.
God. God i want You in my life. i wish You would stage some aggressive benevolent takeover of my mind, of my life. right now maybe i've got my head on right and i can really say (at least til the morning, at least for the five seconds it takes to type this) that God's plan, God's timing, is all that matters. michael said something to me that made me smile, made me cry: love is too complicated a thing for us to comprehend, too important a thing for us to take into our own hands, so why not just leave it in the hands of someone who is so much more perfect, so much smarter? tis poetic, tis a side of my brother i have never seen.
God. God of course there are things that i Want now, i have this one burning Want. But God. take it Lord and do whatever You will, please take it before i start even thinking about changing my mind, God it will happen. it will happen. whether i get it back right now matters not, matters naught. i cant believe i'm really saying this, after all these months and months and months, after declaration after declaration of being Over.
desperation. i have so many things that i am sick of hiding. so many people i dont want to be, i dont want to be. someone keep telling me that i dont have to be.
i am emotionally. sky high maintainence. and i apologize to all the people who i messaged in my manic desperation, i. i just needed to spill. i just needed to spill because i. i have hurt and rediscovered for the first time in probably at least two years, what it feels like. the exact sensation.
i marvel at this sadness, i have not felt you for the longest time. hello my softest side, hello to the ache that is tangible, unignorable, eating up my jelly insides.
what is truth. let's practice some truth, not just blatant honesty.
petrified, i am petrified. could i show an inch of courage for once just once in my life? it doesn't count as courage to do things that you are completely unafraid of.
and at least my feeling something is proof that i am still human. i apologize, i apologize for acting like i am in control. at the end of the day i am still the scared and shivering little kid, walking around in (more) grown up clothes. im not a Big Girl as zhixian calls me, i am clueless and i am blubbering, i am stumbling in the dark, tripping over my own feet, feeling like a complete and utter freak.
i should just. stop thinking about myself.
i should just go to sleep, wake up, check my bike, go shopping and go for dinner. all the while Not Thinking About Things.