Tuesday, August 23, 2005 // 7:38 PM

monday, 8 August 2005

i. i marvel at this sadness, i have not felt you for the longest time. hello my softest side, hello to the ache that is tangible, unignorable, eating up my jelly insides.

i inspect myself for wounds, i am expecting some.

i wish i could break apart this moment, disassemble my limbs and stick them into a box. put my heart along with its dull ache into cold storage. i wont even say i hate this feeling, you know how the the poet might scribble thru his tears, you know how the sensation freak is fascinated by what it feels like to die. of course im sad, i wont even pause to deny it.

no blood or visibly broken bones but i need to be taken seriously. how do i heal, how do i heal something i can't even decipher? the deep down injury that i cant begin to pinpoint? so where do i direct my thoughts from here on, what am i allowed to feel? i am lost, from now on: at least before things were just a headstrong giddiness. now i am lost, i am dumbfounded; the carpets have been pulled out from beneath my feet and i am whirling, spinning, into some great beyond.

im not sure if i could wish it all undone, im not sure of a single thing at all. tell me how to help what i feel, tell me exactly what is allowed.

i wish i felt nothing.