Wednesday, August 10, 2005 // 11:33 PM

need

there are things i have to learn how to be: a sister, a daughter. a friend. sometimes i think im horrible, sometimes i think all the words in the world dont make any sort of difference at all. im sorry if i act like i have a horrible life, because by all accounts i suppose things have been good for me. but i suppose it's human nature to never be satisfied, and so, what a cheap trick i look like. seems like too many resources and too much work is required, to keep me happy.

i love fong, i love shaoning :) im starting to realise what selena meant by good girlfriends.

i loved night cycling at least for the first four hours, for wind for speed (or as fast as one can go on on a bike with 1) faulty brakes 2) malfunctioning gears 3) me on it) for the silhouette of trees against a reddish night sky, for open roads and harmless wrecklessness. and i REALLY want to learn how to drive or better still get a boyfriend who can drive cos i think id like nothing better than to drive down the expressway at night with the window open wide open, simon and garfunkel on the radio. and that was me, two hours ago, getting driven down to brandon's by da to pick up the bikes. da has been spectacularly nice about everything from this morning, i dont know what to say, i dont know what to think. it's one thing for parents to perpetually be bailing you out of shit, but it's another thing to be so darn nice about it. it's hard to know how to properly thank someone you dont even talk to, on a normal basis.

i think, my head must be transparent, my thoughts an open book. oh well, i dont know. i cant bring myself to completely care about being embarassed, but i suppose i will one day, i know. when i come out from being caught up in my own little world.

lately, lately i have felt myself growing up, my mind changing, becoming different from what it used to be. look at the rest of things sprawled out ahead of us, life is turning out to be one of the most overwhelming, mind-boggling experiences we will ever know. seventeen, seventeen sounds like the start of something. shaoning said, no more excuses for doing stupid things, already im starting to have a feel for the years piling on and the end of the road.

i just hope im not going to be angsty forever.