Thursday, August 04, 2005 // 11:57 PM

we can start a company and make misery

i dont want to uncover the reasons for my present melancholy; let them lie, let them brood, like warm animals in the sand. it is a deep blue funk, it is the cool blue ocean turning underneath. i want to climb somewhere very very high, and look out over the rest of the world. i want it to not be midnight right now, maybe i could sneak into the next house and find my way up to the roof. i want more than three-quarter conversations with dennis, that always end at my gate incomplete. i want someone to talk to, right now, someone who will make me think but not think, someone who might be some completely honest, completely natural, with me. i cant do more than a two person conversation right now, i am just too tired to make things stick.

i want to be completely vulnerable for whole minutes at a time. without fearing, feeling, as i do. i might not show it but i do. without having to give reasons for the way i am- why can't i be the way i am? why can't i be angsty baby, why can't i be a complete child? why can't i be prickly, why can't i be emotional, who the hell are you to tell me what kind of person i should be? go away, go away; when i want to start learning how to be you i'll be the first to let you know.

but i want to completely vulnerable for whole minutes at a time, i know this scares you because of how Very Scary I Am. i apologize for my sharp tongue, i apologize for the judgemental knee-jerk. i apologize for acting like i know it all. i'll tell you to your face how afraid i am too, how all these things are no more than pre-emptive measures, crudely constructed defences. why do you stick with me, why do you put up with me. yet sometimes you coax me out of my blue funk, my grumpy cave, and. and i am so completely in love with you.

i am so clumsy some times, and so badly misshapen; how could you love me? what could you possibly see in me? how could you put up with me, with my endless bursts of neuroticism? with my intolerable cynicism? when you stand up and walk out on me, sometimes i wish i could be walking out with you. on me. let us leave her behind because she is so twisted pathetic, what can be done about her? what solutions could you offer someone when she is determined to be miserable?

i want a hot bath, to curl up for long hours, unconscious.