Sunday, August 21, 2005 // 12:56 AM

"You can't blame me. I mean that literally. You're incapable of blaming me. You're human. Being human is choosing freedom over imprisonment, autonomy over dependency, liberty over servitude. You can't blame me because you know (come on, man, you've always known) that the idea of spending eternity with nothing to do except praise God is utterly unappealing. You'd be catatonic after an hour. Heaven's swiz because to get in you have to leave yourself outside. You can't blame me because - now do please be honest with yourself for once- you'd have left, too. "

"Astonishing. Tears. Jumping Jimmeny Christmas. She moves fast, this girl. It's been two-and-a-half years, going on. Gunn turns up, they open a bottle of wine, he tells her he wants to talk to her and zappo- the heart opens its wound and starts to bleed all over the place. (It is, you must concede, unpleasantly messy, this business of having feelings, this mattering to each other. I've always thought of it as gory, a sort of perpetually occuring road accident- eveyone going too fast, too close, without due care and attention, or with too much...)"

-(Glen Duncan's 'I, Lucifer')

i. i think of what dennis said, that we are just chemical creatures. you know, in the past few months/weeks i've regressed a couple of years in this aspect, my brain has fallen asleep in my head. i'm no longer charmed, and so, so i resolve to think no more about it, to draw the line at a full stop, this full stop.

today i realised that i act brain-dead, a great fat lot of the time. today grace said the words intellect gets in the way, and i thought about it, and they were the words i needed, for realisation.

i want to be fit(ter) again. i would go running right now if i weren't all seventh-month scared (i am). fitter, fitter happier. because since i left ny i've been able to put all sorts of crap into my body without even thinking about it, and i've gone for weeks and weeks without exercising, swimming for pe does not count. swimming anything less than ten laps does not count. i suppose only obsessiveness could inspire me to put up with the pain, and so, so i don't, not anymore. i wish i liked running, i wish i liked healthy food, the way fong seems genuinely happy, eating her copious veggies.

i'm resolved, i need to escape the meaninglessness. how, how do you live with yourself, how do you live with all this time? all this endless not knowing? i don't mean to scoff, i'm completely lost too, even while knowing the right way, to go. there's something inside that can't be rationalised away, do you know what it is? i want to someday change, i want to some day have the right to complacency, but i know it won't happen, and i know that if it does happen, it's going to be completely bad for me. oh please, i do know what's good for me, even if i often don't want it.

and i feel like letting go.

i want to ask where i went wrong, i want to force you to be honest with me. i know you would call this a lack of eq, well, well maybe. you should know, i'm impossible to get along with, some days, but really that's just me, not wanting to simplify myself, too selfish to make room for your preference, in the picture. im sorry, some days i will try, some days i just want to take you right out of your comfort zone. because you've gotten too comfortable, there's something in me that needs to tear down your complacency, perhaps for the sake of it? because someone, someone, has to be willing to say the things that everyone else doesn't want to hear. i'm sorry if i go overboard, i am learning, but i'm sorry (perfunctorily) because i'm not going to stop, i'm never going to stop. cos i don't believe you have all the answers, and i need to insist, there has got to be something more.

oh i'm not always that hard to get along with. it all depends on the strength of my resolve, at any given point of time. this need to take things seriously, it's utterly boring, i know.

hello darling. let's be matter of fact about things. let's pack up our lives and move on with it, let's get over ourselves. of course we've been lost in worlds of our own. so maybe, maybe we need a kick in the head, maybe we need a singular piece of shock, to take ourselves out of the haze. so let's... let's do something, let's watch a movie, let's do homework, let's have mundane conversation. something utterly uninteresting, something completely lacking in beauty. darling we need to learn not to think so much, darling we need to get out of the logicbox. please, please agree with me, i don't think either of us want to stay in here forever, with the lid close over our head, cramping our style (how does this work, grammatically?). so, so darling. let's get out of here but quick, before our visions blur, before our heads implode.

i haven't eaten dinner at home at all this week. yesterday does not count cos it was me and fong and no one else. see that's the thing, even my wanting (headwise) to spend time with my family does not work out, because every is just too busy having a life of their own.

today someone said of me, it's almost vulgar how violent your feelings are. which merits a laugh, and thought. i'm not sorry at all, for making your scenery less than sanitary, i can't be less than whatever my whim and fancy calls me to be. how, how very irresponsible. so okay, fine, i'm sorry for that much. but i dont know how to be any other sort of influence, i should just, i dont know, shut myself up into a box. okay, i don't want to think about this right now, you know i only start believing these things, feeling like a freak, when i start deprecating myself, all over again. what marvin calls inadequacy attacks. so maybe it's not strictly healthy, all this avoidance, all this running away. deal, don't deal, take it away. damn i'm bored already, damn i cant fully bring myself to care.