Saturday, September 10, 2005 // 1:56 AM

hello, i have had. something of a good week, something of a good Last Few Days. doing just about nothing, bumming around in church, reading about half a chapter of econs in total, playing the sanctuary baby grand, lots of mundanely ella-happy conversations, with people previously not in the picture.

i'm. i'm trying to remember why i didn't study this week. monday was ld confusing meeting day, tuesday i shopped, wednesday i talked to some indian stranger and went crazy, thursday i bummed and missed selena's tea and pissed xian off again and didn't go night cycling, today i played floorball and badminton and spent all my time in conversation. i still want to do well for promos, oh well, oh well. i used to be so good at studying, but now, now. now i just cant bring myself to care anymore.

damn, i say this often. sometimes i can't believe how little academics have come to mean to me, when previously, previously. but damn i wasn't even happy, and now i am, maniacally so, does it have anything to do with the change. i don't know, really, the only fulfilling thing i can find these days is talking to people, giving a shit about people. today jo tee waxed deprecated lyrical and i felt like dying, i can't take it when someone else sounds sad, ARGH.

i hope. i hope tomorrow afternoon will be cloudy, because i would like to sit on the roof garden with a cloudy sky overhead and thoughts of nothingness, one last fling. preferably with someone playing the guitar and singing softly somewhere else, as things perpetually are, in church. i want. i want to climb the church roof at night, again, sit under the semi huge cross and just. look at the sky. i want. i want a few moments of comfort, of silence, saying nothing, saying nothing. i get tired of saying things, really, every once in a while.

and i would like to be stuck at seventeen, i'm. i'm not sad to have left sixteen behind. i think, i think i really do like growing up. because it's exciting, it's new, this entire world is just endlessly surprising me and. and right now i'm in love with it. i have a theory and it is that my childish self is a twisted kind of person, and i'm losing the twistedness, as i grow older. i know one is supposed to be innocent when they're a child, but, well. i don't think the child me qualifies, and i think. the things that remain, the centre of me, all the wonderment and all the willful innocence, the informed idealism, that much remains. not intact, but not annihilated. i. i like my life very much now, and i look back to my past and i hate i hate i hate what i find. i hate too the knowledge of my own childishness, my own twistedness, it's like feeling poisoned. but. but i think i can outgrow it, i think i will get there someday, i think. i think i love myself a lot more right now than i used to, certainly i'm a lot healthier, or my mind is, if not the rest of my physical body.

and sometimes. sometimes i hate the wasted years, i really don't know why i was like that, like that. im jealous that people like marvin have all these memories while as for me, they're all twisted, even the good ones, even simple happy laughingshit moments like hysterical laughter with khin in sec one during lessons spoilt by the idea of what kind of people we all are. i wish. i wish i had had a wholesome time, really. what shu may calls street cred comes at the price of the tainting of every single one of my memories. damn, how self piteous this makes me, how the bitterness swells up. and. and i hate how, how my demons refuse to be left behind, how i have to drag them along, no matter what, like a useless and gangrenous limb. i know, or at least i know now, that it's nothing out of the ordinary, but really, really some times i'm just so so sad that i was never fully a proper child, that a perfect innocence was never a part of me. that even from young i was manipulative.

tired, sleep, oblivion, happiness. to go far far away from thoughts, which acheive nothing, which only serve to make me so endlessly depressed.