Sunday, September 11, 2005 // 9:38 PM

i'm tired, i'm tired from too many things. i'm tired from being emotional, from playing frisbee, from freaking out over the less-than-3-weeks-left-to-the-promos-which-i-have-not-even-started-studying-for, from playing for the first time for yw, from conversation after conversation after significant conversation, from too much laughter and too much simple mundane happiness (julia, terence, brandon), from caring about people and showing it, from thinking and feeling, from reaching into myself for things to share with other people, from reaching out beyond myself to try and talk to another human being. you mistake because i loved every minute of today; im not jaded from caring about people, i'm just saying, it's an emotional thing, it's emotional and i'm tired, i'm emotional and i'm tired. the physical me needs to lie down and stop, stop everything.

today daryl played some utterly mesmerizing guitar like i've never heard before, here is me being completely fascinated, being completely charmed, being completely bowled over. by the music, by the skill involved, by the sheer unspeakable i dont know what. this is dumb, but. i wasnt even aware the guitar could sound like that.

you know what makes me happy, being soft makes me happy, being vulnerable, being protected, being nice. fundamentally perhaps every girl just wants to be protected. you'd probably never think this of me, but. but that's all there is to me, really, in a lot of ways i'm a complete softie at heart. and i dont feel completely comfortable with myself unless i'm allowed to be so, so , so maybe that's why i'm just so in love with heart-to-hearts, because. because i like the feeling of mutual vulnerability. i like feeling the lack of a need for walls and armour, i like knowing that you wouldnt hurt me, wouldnt be able to bring yourself to, not really, really, really i am just so endlessly afraid of being hurt. like. like everyone else. let me be honest with myself, i want to be strong in an understated kind of way. i am not strong, you have seen me, i fall apart. but. but i want a strength that is deep inside, something that is not prickly or brash, something that is emotional, something that could not fall apart from the inside. i'm just so sick of falling apart from the inside.

im sorry, im sorry for breaking down. im sorry. im sorry for being so endlessly wrapped up in myself, for being so freaking needy, at times like these. im sorry for not going for maf, i have no bloody excuse. im sorry for not talking to the newcomers, im sorry for being so freaking unstable, for. for allowing the littlest things to tip me over the edge. im sorry when i sat on the roof ledge in church and terence said to me i dont think you should sit there, i heard you've been kinda sad today, or when daniel asked me why i was crying, and was all you can tell me if you want to but if you don't feel comfortable then i'll just sit here with you. how does a person take something like that? i dont know how to feel, about people being nice to me, i dont know how to take it. im not fully convinced when marvin says i am not pathetic, for breaking down. i cant. i cant tear myself away from this need to be strong, a certain kind of strong, all the freaking time. i. i dont know. and later aaron was so freaking nice about my not going for maf it made me want to die, i cant take it i cant take it i cant take it. what the heck did i do to deserve people being nice to me. what the heck did i do to deserve friends, really, friends like fong and grace and chenghui and people who care about me for not freaking reason at all. i cant take it, this being loved, this is. this is not something i am used to. i dont know. i dont dare to accept it for fear of it being taken away, well yes that's how freaking insecure i really am. i. i cant even bring myself to accept that God loves me, that i can be honest with Him, with people, because they're not going to love me less for my sharp edges, my some-time twistedness, my brash loudmouthed arrogance, at least in the long run. are they? because i'm an impossibly difficult person to love, because break me down and i'm completely helpless, build me up and i'll bite the hand that has been feeding me all along. sometimes, sometimes i hate myself, i hate myself every time i come to the thought of what i am, and that's my biggest insecurity perhaps. what i listed for the insecurity workshop, the first was Freak (the alienation that leaves me alone with my thoughts for too long a time), the second was Nobody Loves You, the third was Nobody Could Understand You Because You Are A Twisted Ugly Cold Inhuman Dysfunctional Screwed Up Messed Up Non-Human Being And There's Nothing You Can Do About It Because You Have Problems No One Can Solve. so, so it is, i dont know what to do with myself some times. i wouldnt know how to be less emotionally high maintainence if i tried.

and. sometimes. sometimes i want someone to feel for. after feeling for so long, it's a troubling thing, to give it all up, and. and i can't bring myself to, not really, not emotionally. not on anything other than a rational level, and really. really my head is not in charge of me. i was. i was thinking about you. probably it is like what has been said, how we so like this feeling, this sitting-around-mooching, this being in love with being in love, this yearningly wanting someone to want. someone to give a shit about. it's been a long time, this liking you, sometimes id like to let it go but sometimes i just want to stay right here. clutching at straws of hope. when somewhere in my heart i know, i know for sure, this is just. so completely wrong. this is less than perfect and i don't want it. so that's somewhere in my heart, but another part of me just. just still likes you. it's. it's pure irrationality, it's pure emotion, really, but i can't purge it, not really. but you know, you know. i dont even want to think about it, i want to. i want to get out of it, for real, i know i will, eventually. i will, eventually. you know eventually i'm going to come a far far way from here, i'm going to be more in control of my emotions, im going to look back at things and not regret them. could i imagine that right now, no bitterness. i'll try, i'll try. i'll. i'll try to accept things the way they are, i'll try to accept that i'm human, and vulnerable, and going to hurt, every once in a while. i'll try to accept that life is going to suck at times, that i'm going to get down and out every once in a while, that i'm going to need help. i'll try to get over myself, really. i'll try i'll try i'll try to be honest with myself, but hey no promises, there's nothing i can promise, really.

today cheng hui asked me what i want in a future boyfriend, and i said. i said i wanted someone stable, and someone who would reproach me and love me at the same time. i want someone who would make me want to be a nicer person. Christian is a given, not for legalistics, but because God is real and i need to be unable to ignore Him, even if a heck lot of the time i want to.

a lot of things are incredibly important to me. i feel like a melted marshmallow right about now, but nevermind, you know i will regain my brashness, my stupidity, it doesnt take long, at times i do believe i am strong. despite things, despite junkiedom. i need something else to think about, perhaps promos, perhaps at least for the next few weeks. another strange blot in my mind.

goodnight.