Sunday, September 04, 2005 // 10:42 PM

tomorrow i'm going to study, study like it's going out of style. i'm. i'm going to learn to block out my surroundings, to be single-minded, to have some sort of i don't know, drive? i admire how delia and fong can be so driven about things, so very much disciplined, i, i just can't bring myself to panic, to care, at all.

today terence said, don't judge me, and i felt like a terrible person all over again. i need. i need someone to be endlessly smacking me in the face, putting me in my place. i need to dislocate the knee-jerk and chuck it out of the window.

and, oh well. if i'm hyper sensitive then i suppose there's no point in my pretending to be otherwise. bloody heck i don't care, i don't care, anymore. i'm trying to think of what my life was, before all this. i need more things crammed into my life, to distract myself, to deprive myself, of the time to think all these useless thoughts. i need more problems freaking shit just thinking about how this is taking up my time and causing me this unecessary anxiety makes me so endlessly angry, at things. help, help i need to drop it all, help i want out i want out i want out. how stupid, how very stupid, why have i been reduced to a nitpicking thirteen year old.

i. i want to use that word for Screwed Up that has a harsher meaning, but i won't, i won't. whatever. you know this is difficult, when some times you feel like you have an emotion inside that needs to be done justice to. whatever, whatever, i just should stop being so eternally irresponsible, i should just. stop looking into myself. so shut up right now, ella, so screw you for being so compulsively needy.

i can't bring myself to care about anything, damn, damn i hope that it is. that it is just a Right Now.