Saturday, October 08, 2005 // 2:25 AM

i dont know how i feel right now, i know the manic elation of promos being over has died down, and i'm just left so feelingly exhausted, despite the hours and hours of sleep in the afternoon. i think i was happy yesterday, though i can't remember anything from it. i think, let me think. before i stayed up til 2 cheonging my eom, which killed me, which killed me and my pc paper, which irritates me because the pieces were so good i feel like i did them absolutely no justice. should have, maybe, done eom a long time ago, should have maybe not gone cartel with marvin and kwanie, even if i did get a very good chocolate cake for two bucks.

i think, maybe. i should do less things, be less busy. i. i. i dont know i dont know i dont know. i'm overwhelmed by a sort of meaningless, a sort of jadedness, a sort of hollowness, like, like the amorphous void somewhere inside, the one you fail to decipher but yet still endlessly feel, feel, feel.

i talk too much, you should see my nervous energy. that's all it is, really, the making of the endless and meaningless noise. i'd like. a cocoon of silence to crawl into, wrap around myself. sometimes. sometimes i feel like this and i just want. something warm, something comfortable, something light and something effortless.

i just want to. collapse. into the floor, right now, curl up, dissolve through the floorboards. i. i dont want anything, right now, i want nothing i want nothing i want nothing. mabye, maybe sleep, maybe music, maybe silence. i want to wake up tomorrow morning to noiselessness.

and i feel like letting go. of you, of you, of you. right now i can't imagine my ever feeling that much, ever again, who has the energy? who has the capacity? i do, on good days, today is obviuosly not one of them.

i want the eternal blackout.