Sunday, October 30, 2005 // 1:44 AM
i have stuff in my head that i need to sort out first lah or i suddenly feel this huge need to be incredibly, gut-spillingly honest, and i might regret this in a few hours when i wake up but right now i really don't give a shit about that at all
hello kevin, i really am sorry. sorry in the sense of the feeling-the-guilt, if not the i-won't-ever-do-it-again sense (and i would, firstly because that's how disgusting i am, sometimes, and secondly because. i'm just pathetic human, every time else.) where was i. i was saying, hello, hello and i'm sorry. sorry for Not Talking to you, so much of the time, sorry for taking you for granted. you know i never saw myself becoming close to you, becoming as comfortable with you as i am now- i never saw that. it just happened. all the time i was pretending to be someone else, some part of me that made sense to you never really went away. i'm. i'd be lying if i said i was sick of it, i'm not, really i'm not. i've been lying to myself all my life and i don't want to stop, i'm afraid i'm afraid i'm afraid out of my mind, of what i might find, if i tried to be honest, completely honest, with myself. for five minutes. i might kill myself, really i might, i'm not one of those people who can truthfully say that i'd never kill myself, that i wouldn't dare. i think i'd dare, sometimes, in a moment, one moment to jump from a ten storey window, one moment to step off the landing with my head attached to a rope hanging from the ceiling beam. and so, so i'm working very hard at my big fat facade, so hard in fact that i don't dare to take my hands off the steering wheel, to go in another direction. freak, i don't know what i am doing, i have no clue in the world. sometimes, a lot of the time. i still believe that if you try hard enough to wish things away, if you ignore them, they'll cease to exist. i want. i want that, i want all of that, isn't that, really, what believing in willpower is all about?
there's. there's always this huge and attractive tendency. to simplify the opposition.
i'm afraid. that i'm going to say something i might regret, right about now. but, but i dont know, things just. need to get out of me, they're bouncing off the walls inside my head, they're laughing and laughing and laughing, at me. me and my big fat facade, that. i'm not even any good at. i'm not good at being defensive, seriously, and it makes me feel like shit shit shit shit shit. i think. i think i should just hang around people who are not going to make me feel like i need defences. the genuinely nice people, like terence and christl and et cetera.
i am an angsty bitch, i'l admit that, and my knowing it or my trying to hide it, does not make me any less of an angsty, sometime-malicious, bitch. jo, jo's voice in my head, half-teasing, casual, stop trying to pretend you're normal. man this is not a monologue i want to launch into again. but. but you've got me, you've got me right there, you've got me and somehow. the moment you said the words, i stopped being afraid of it. i'm still capable of being honest, if i feel like. i'm not going to be pinned to the ground, for it. right now, right now, i'd like. i'd very much like to stop being any one else other than me. me, with all my sharp corners, me, with the perpetual foot in mouth. me with my Angstiness. it's not the extreme of giving into things, all the time, but. well i've had the thoughts, i've had my stupid thoughts and i've felt my stupid feelings and oh well. let's not try to pretend that i'm anything else other than my own stupid self.
michelle, hello michelle fong. i'm talking to you now, and i've just told you what a disgusting friend i am capable of being. i don't know what that means to you, but. but even though i'm a disgusting friend, i don't want to be a disgusting friend, and. and i'd like you to know that you are important to me, extremely. so important, in fact, that, like i do to every person in my life who's important to me: i take you for granted. i realise right now, in this very moment, that it's not true that i've been hypocritical to you. that i might have overstated what i've just said to you, just like i might have overstated what i've done to kevin. (hello kevin. do you still want to talk to me? sometimes (rarely) it feels like you worship the ground i walk on, sometimes i wonder. i wonder how real i am to you, it feels like... i dont know what it feels like. but i've come to a point where i'm so busy that my friendship with you is going to take actual effort, at least on my part, to keep up. mind you it's only because i'm older and in my position, would you. would you talk to me if it were any less than convenient? if i were boring? (because i seem to fascinate you, sometimes) would you be so adamantly my friend if it took all the effort that i feel it might take me? hello kid you are important to me, but loads of things are important to me. and then there's my whole taking people for granted thing, which i do, a lot, of which you and michelle fong aren't going to be the only few i could name. my mother, for one thing, sam sim. hello sam sim. you never told me what a disgusting person i am, i think you made the excuses for me in your mind. some of them stand, but some of them are just. me, being a terrible person. me being a terrible person and taking you all shamelessly for granted.)
sigh. sigh okay, i feel sufficiently disgusted at myself, right about now. later i might find all this that i'm writing right now absolutely retarded, but. but for these few moments i'm not going to think about that. and i don't think i will, anyway. i'm going to be completely and twistedly myself. i think, i'm conceding. that people are pieces of shit, sometimes, a lot of the time, and that there are very few people i know who i could not imagine being as shitty as i am being, right now.
i am so tired of being cordial.