Saturday, October 15, 2005 // 10:36 AM

i think. i need to learn to get a hold on my emotions. even the strange inexplicable ones, there has. there has got to be a better way to deal with things. i feel all strangely misplaced right now, but sleep, sleep. has served my pretty damn well. relatively, at least, though i will be tripping over my two left feet all day. sigh. sigh.

i don't know what changed, i don't know when this crappiness crept up on me. i can pinpoint the first outward manifestation which was thursday night. but. i think that says nothing. i'm sorry for your worry, why do i feel like i am perpetually apologizing? i feel like a liability. i think i should stop listening to music, any music, in my upsetness. here i am trying to doctor my emotions again, here i am i want to be in control. sigh. what a tireless cycle. i want out. i want out of my head, when i woke up this morning and already it was swimming with random thoughts, random events, random nothingness. how do other people get out of these things? do other people not get into them, in the first place? that's what fong seems to be suggesting, at least that other people don't allow themselves to get to carried away, and that's why i now know that i have lost that understanding. sigh. sigh oh well, if you are right surely concede i'm not going to see it right now.

i am thinking, of all the commitments i have to fulfil. ld stuff, pw, playing the piano today, bible study with sarah. sigh. every time i think of that last one i just feel like crap crap crap, because. um, because i am a walking bad habit and Respect is much sorely displaced. fatality says that not many people would disagree with me on this point, but daryl, daryl was the one who kept telling me that no one's worthy and at the end of the day it's God's strength and God's doing alone. God, hello God. remember me, who has been trying to edge you towards the door these past few weeks? i was only good at the rigmarole when i felt okay, but the minute, the moment my emotions broke i crumpled, i crumbled, and i undid all the discipline of the last months. sigh. hello God i have been trying to run run run away from my emotions, i have been trying to. pretend things have always been alright, well so much for that. maybe this is bad, this is my old fatalism, this is what used to make shaoning think of me like kingshaw, running away, inhaling a lake. sigh. but anyway. God. God i can't see you right now, i can't find You, i don't know what's wrong with me anymore. it's been. easy enough to ignore You, except for the hole inside, except for. my swimming emotions, how screwed up, how how how how how. i think i resolved to stop saying Screwed Up a long time ago but. sigh.

God. where are You when i am upset? i can never see You in those moments, when once that was the only time that i could. i. i'm afraid that this will go on forever, that Life Like This will go on forever. i want to stop being upset, hello i was so stable for a few months then what happened? what happened? i discovered that i knew how to hurt, all over again, that the self-destructiveness had ever left the building, or that it was back. sigh. how pathetic, that i am living in fear, that i am one big self-fulfilling prophecy. i should just. i don't know. what a stupid piece of crap.