Monday, October 10, 2005 // 12:56 AM

this, this here, this you. this can not be doing me good, because of that sinking feeling, because of my guts and how they twist themselves into knots, at the thought, at these thoughts. i. i want out of here. get me out of here it's not like i need any more reasons to break down. come on in, everybody, make me even more manickally depressed.

i'm. jaded with my own crappiness, with this Crappy Feeling. go away already, i'm sick of this i'm sick of this. i'm sick of crying and crying and crying and crying gee you'd think that something had actually HAPPENED to me.

i know i looked a mess when i walked into yw today, that was from waking up hostile, from screaming, from walking in the rain. i'm irritated at myself again, for having left terence to set up pa by himself, throughout worship the Things I Could Have Done kept running through my head. called someone else to take my place, for one, sebbie or something. this is the second time i've screwed up never mind that i can't even actually DO anything with pa, argh i don't know why terence bothers to be nice about it.

i can't believe i'm talking to kevin about God, and about my Crappiness. kevin hello i am grateful then even after my completely ignoring you for the past few weeks you're still the same old kevin, to me. even post your jap-animisation, even now that YOU HAVE OTHER PEOPLE TO TALK TO hohoho.

im so fed up, i'd like to walk out on this, on myself. by the way. by the way i'm not enjoying this at all, by the way this feels so utterly utterly stupid. what the heck is keeping me here then, geez what is it?

i need to. climb out of this rut before it closes in over my head.