Thursday, October 13, 2005 // 12:09 AM

today i kept thinking about you and what your life must be like. i tried to imagine myself in your shoes and i panicked, how i panicked, i. i don't dare wonder if this is enough for you, certainly it would never be enough for me. i've been feeling pointless for about a week and already things feel like crap and i imagine falling off buildings and being run over by cars. the violence to my frustration has petered out, leaving. leaving a general lethargy to my movements, a forcedness to my laughter, a hollowness to my conversation. sigh. sigh sigh sigh. the past few days have felt like someone else walking around in my shoes. except. except five seconds on the esplanade roof garden, looking out, wanting so very muchly to walk out to where i could see the water. wanting everyone else to vanish (apologies shumay, apologies woei xi) so that i could be alone to think, to feel, to exist, for a while or for a moment, for seconds precious seconds, surrounded by the haziness of the night, the lightness of having nothing and no one to answer to.

this, this being Sociable. it's been completely lost on me lately, i apologize.

so. so maybe, maybe the past few months have been a general stroke of luck, and life , it goes downhill from here and it is really just ultimately boring, life is really just so terribly boring. and i have the rest of all time to live out this disappointment. i don't want to think this thought but i already have, it is tiring, it is depressing. i'm too tired for anything at all.

corspe's bride was mega good and i want to watch it again.