Saturday, October 15, 2005 // 1:57 AM

words, i was full of them, a few hours ago, riding long roads on my bike hoping waiting entertaining for rain. i'm disappointed, it didn't rain, i am left feeling hollow, uninvited. i think the worlds garbled themselves in my mouth, here i am spoiling, here i am spilling. again again again. clueless, wordless, i am. unable to. force it out the door.

let me, let me think, of scraps from today. there was. the mad rush in the morning, churning out score after score, for Goodwill, Courtesy, Twenty Five Bucks An Hour. sitting in the front row during rgm feeling like a failure, laughing, andrew being asked to dance by some random girl, being modest. there was. floorball, my one good goal, wilfred saying that i've finally learnt how to Play To Win instead of Play To Kill. playing the piano in the sanctuary. being. unable to play the piano in the sanctuary. today's a day my tempo is screwed up, my sense of Music is just. completely off.

i know i'm not supposed to get Piss Drunk again. the last time i told someone about this, i think it was sharon, i think. she went ballistic. alcohol, let me tell you how i used to drink alcohol, back when i still couldn't stand it. you fill your mouth with something strong and you wait it out, tossing things over with your tongue, until it hurts it hurts it hurts and then you swallow, one gigantic gulp. alcohol kills more than germs, you see, if you get the right concentration. if you leave a hollow in the top of your mouth the alcohol evaporates and goes straight to your head. leaving the taste, the rest of the pointless liquid for your belly. it scorches its way down and before you wonder why the heck you are doing this (what does it feel like, sliding into your belly? it feels like a blankness in your mind, it feels like. nothing.) you're going through the entire process again. i'm starting to wonder why the heck i am writing this, right now, alcohol is one of those Cheap Tricks teenagers use, abuse, to feel something. me, i'm another cheap trick, this, this Standard Teenage Angst. i'll deal with it in the Standard Teenage Way.

why the freak am i doing this. writing this, i mean, not drinking. because drinking is nothing new, why am i writing this? the reason i usually dont want people to know about all my Bad Habits is because, because. firstly i don't want to give them up. secondly i would like to pretend to be all functional, all In Control, so that. so that someone else isn't going to come around and try to get my life in order for me. hello ella. here i am telling kevin how piss drunk i am. i think i sound normal to kevin, even though my fingers hit the wrong keys to a laughable effect, even though i feel like i am looking at things from the inside of a fish bowl, right about now.

kevin says, kevin says. go to sleep, happy hangover, call me, if you feel like dying. i promise, i promise. i don't feel like dying, i don't feel like dying. i also don't feel like talking, at all. though kevin is okay, kevin is always okay. what im saying is that, i don't feel like talking to anyone from church right now. i am. completely not in control of eveyrthing i am saying, irght now. hello moses. i hope you can't tell that your pianist for tomorrow is completely, completely. piss drunk.

olay, not completely. i've been worse than this before, i've been literal puking, literal throwing myself around. why. the fuck. am i still. drinking. kevin says, kevin says, stop drinking. you're going to regret this tomorroww kevin, kevin says, do me a favour, put down the glass and go lie down and don't think. kevin. kevin despite. despite how fucked up i feel right now. i promise im going to feel alrigft. again, agon, again.

khin. you know how i messaged you, semi-long time ago, when i was all upset. you know what shocked me, what shocked me was how completely normal you sounded, how completely in control. given Current Circumstances. well, well.

sam, sam sim, not sam kwan, thought sam kwanie has been nice too. what with, what with. sending me home, these conversations in his car, at my gate. we don't get to talk talk, enough, i think. but anyway. sam sim, hello. hello darling i love you too, i feel like i have been Miss Twisted Bitch to you and i apologize, i apologize. why the heck do you still care about me, why the heck. i feel like. you would have been a better person if not fr my influence. narcissistic? self obsessed? when have i been known to be anything else.

i feel. absolutely nothing right now. you know how it feels, to write when you're drunk. i'l admit i'm some piss drunk right now, jack daniel's down the hatch on an empty stomch, this. this is the worst way to do things. i take. no responsibility for what i am saying. i. i wonder whether i am going to post this. it is not a given. not like. not like i can think straight, right about now.

i think. keivn saying Go And Sleep. good adivce. i, fuck. i dont know anymre.