Sunday, November 27, 2005 // 3:43 AM

culture

i've come to terms once again with my weirdness, the last few weeks/months have felt like a mad fling with normalcy and i know now at least right now that this brand of normalcy that is offered, i don't want it, not really. normalcy, normalcy and its beliefs, normalcy and its value systems. i'm trying very hard not to swing to the other extreme, of contempt. ella, ella is a strange girl, this includes but is not restricted to her manic angstiness of previous years, but take away even that much and ella is still pretty eccentric, some part of, anyway. jean and hannkhee told me last week that i've become more normal (cue these proud little smiles), how, how strange did that feel. normal is not a word that i'll fully accept, without feeling like, like. like some part of me is being force-fed.

i don't know what i am, but i don't want to feel so endlessly restricted, shut up, stuck in a box. there's a balance between retaining oneself and being moulded into a certain culture, and i, i. i have offset a balance and become faceless, to myself, i don't want this.

you know, i used to have convictions, i used to believe in things. i can't tell where they have gone, how on earth i am going to get them back. ella what is it you believe in again, without taking into consideration things like Easy, things like Peer Pressure, things like Culture, The Swell Of Voices Which Represent Popular Opinion.

yf culture, i find you so endlessly childish, some times. but you've gotten under my skin and i don't know if you are being a good influence to me at all, at all. yf culture, yf culture per se, which is yf culture without God in the picture. i'm not too sure if i belong here. which is not to say that i don't give a shit about the yfers, because i do, muchly, and this is the only reason why i want to work this out, with myself, instead of just running running away. like i would, under any other circumstance. but i can't just keep cheating myself, this all just feels so completely. wrong, wrong, wrong with myself.

i used to be a little more intelligent than this, this, this has felt completely mindless, at times, and ill-fittng, and. and ella would not like to be here all the time. ella has a lot of growing up to do. ella things she might like to stick herself into different cultures, in an attempt to be. less one-sided. in an attempt to feel less claustrophobic.

i don't think i muchly like the Groups Of People kind of culture, i just. can't fully accept the subtle kind of herd mentality, that runs beneath, or maybe, maybe it is just the things that they have accepted which i can't bring myself to, not really. this is not my point to things. i'm such a screaming kicking individual, which i'll acknowledge isn't a necessarily good thing. there is a balance and i think it's going to take me some time to find it.

and i love fong, fong makes me feel like being a better person. fong doesn't make me feel like i have to be of a certain style, or maybe, maybe the Ways We Are are just alike, which is strange, which is, in the slightly bigger picture of things (which includes all the animosity in secondary one), completely unexpected, and the product of all that time spent together. i love fong because she's so completely uninhibited and i like the feeling of being stupid and not caring who the heck is watching. i also like fong because of the shock on sharon's face, i like fong because she in unconventional and she helps me be the part of me that is unconventional. i remember how people used to call me weird, unconventional, unorthodox, all the time, and i think i liked the liberty that these labels gave me to do pretty much whatever i wanted, whatever my whim and fancy brought me to. within moral reason. my quirks, i had a lot of them, i don't know where they've gone, have i allowed myself to be watered down?

it's four am and i can't think straight, not really. some other day i will qualify all these things i've said, i will be fair and more honest with myself, and make them sound more like what i mean and less than what i want them to sound like, for stylistics sake, for my childishness' sake, which i am too tired right now to attempt to rein in.