Friday, November 18, 2005 // 12:37 AM

ellar is cool

ellar, ellar smells of oil, hawker food, ellar has a belly full of island creamery, four solid hours of talking to xinyi, who has now lost the right to claim that ellar has no time for her.

ellar's melbourne trip has disappointingly fallen through, and ellar is going to need people to hang out with, as a result. sigh. who's around? kinyip, jeannette, team mates. not, however, like ellar doesn't have a million Legitimate Responsible Things to do. but ellar badly wants to learn how to scuba dive, and ellar has been. very charmed by the idea of removing herself completely, from her current allotment in the universe, at least. at least for a short little while.

ellar is also slightly terrified about going for yam retreat, and being one of the three youngest people around. ellar thinks she should force herself to go for bsf next year, because. ellar is all talk and good intention.

ellar is a terrible person, ellar has bailed on too many people. ellar needs to start behaving herself, ellar does know what this involes. sigh. ellar the self-centred piece of crap.

ellar just knows that she is going to forget this, completely, tomorrow, when she will once again probably display a complete lack of restraint of self-discipline. ellar needs to uh. commit to commitments, or commit less. ellar also needs to stop being so careless with money, so careless, callous, with the emotions of others. ellar can not apologize because an apology would make it seem like ellar was going to change, or try to stop but. ellar doesn't know how to start.

ellar has changed a whole heck lot, but not all for the better.