Sunday, November 20, 2005 // 12:59 AM

high maintainence

i still don't know why i went for yam retreat, which is not to say that i would have done differently, if i had to make the choice all over again. ella's all rattled up and not knowing what to think, not knowing how to function, anymore.

the judgemental knee-jerk that i cringe to recognize, cluelessly fight to Beat Down With A Stick, the pointlessness i feel, with things, with all this, right now.

but elizabeth said things, some things, that got to me, more than she might ever know, things like you need to face them before you can get over them. she means, the relationships, the situations, the Fact That They Happened, not the people themselves, and i, i. i'm just completely lost for words. dawn i think of you and how you said and i felt the wanting to wipe the slate clean and forget about one's past, but now i'm sad, a little, for for having been running, so madly running, from things, all the time, all this while, and. and i don't know what i might find if i retread my steps that far back, in that certain direction, i'm afraid out of my mind at both what i might find as well as the idea that i might have to look it in the eye before i can shelf it. maybe i've been hoping that things, me, will heal on their own, magickally, bloodlessly.

and she said just don't be a dreamer, which made me feel repremanded, naive, precocious, like a child.

i said things to sharon today that came out completely wrong, but i don't have the words to make them sound like what i meant.

i think terence just gave me some work to do for dvbs games, because i haven't dont anything at all and am feeling useless. sigh. i AM useless :( so it seems fitting that i should feel this way.

i am also exceptionally high maintainence, emotionally. had a long Discussion (in every sense of the word) with daniel about Daniel Type Stuff and i know one thing at least, that it's not this kind of thing that keeps me happy for feeling like i'm doing something worthwhile. how hedonistic does that sound, if i were to take a detached perspective of things. i need to stop doing this, all this thinking, this is retarded, right now i know i am thinking too much and i dont know how to stop it. RAWR.