Saturday, November 05, 2005 // 12:49 AM

my marriage to sam toh lasted about 24 hours, sigh, oh well. i'm cheesed off because obviously i had wanted this.

today he said, mess, and i gave a second look. i'm not a mess now, no not really, only because i am not filled with enough to be sufficiently a mess. if i don't do something about the sorry state of my self really now, mess, that is going to be me, pretty much soon.

the thing about me is that. i drop things when i think i won't be able to handle them, eventually. like how i dropped the barbeque grill on terence's patience, the last time we had a barbeque in church. i knew then and i still know now that it was purely psychological, and that i did not drop it so much as let go, that it had eveyrthing to do with nerves and nothing to do with heat from the fire at all. it's things like that, moments like those. i know that i should just back out of the situation and retreat to chill out. before i panic, break down, short circuit.

i have a list of frustrations, also, a list of things to do, my list of things that need doing. i missed prayer meeting today, i missed kenji's barbeque, i feel bogged down by the idea of pw, even more pw, to deal with. this sucks like nothing else.

i am. so frustrated now. i think i should kill everyone lie down in the darkness and not think sleep. should, i should, but before the night is out there's still the planning of tomorrow's worship, the prep for sarah's bs lesson tomorrow. this is a very bad start to my weekend, maybe i should. artificially conk myself out, again, before the senselessness sets it, before the. worst of things hits.