Wednesday, November 23, 2005 // 12:24 AM

ten points kevin

today! was rain all day and some shameless bumming, discovering the male and mindless joy of gaming. last night they played street soccer and i sat there wishing firstly that i could play, at all, and secondly that the night would never end, because it felt good to watch the game out of the corner of my eye, the bright lights, the laid-back acceptance of strangers into the game (handshakes and introductions), the deliciously cold air and i suppose my appreciation of a good (good, by my standards, says nothing) soccer game.

tomorrow! i am going to earn some money and probably get nothing much else done. i think the holidays has finally made themselves fully apparent to me, and i really, really, really don't want them going anywhere. i want to get out of the country, i want to forget about everything that's supposed to be important to me right now. while as i speak too many people i know are just being so endlessly productive.

i can't get over how skinny i used to be (as a kid), how skinny my arms used to be (a few months ago). i think it's all downhill from here, and i'm half resigned to the idea.

i think i've come to a point where i can really Whatever you. (denies the endless fatalistic second-guessing, self-doubt, in all probability perfectly, sickeningly valid) man, i just don't care anymore, maybe because right now i've had a more or less good day. it's easier to do this because you never did anything for you to mean so much to me, well, not really. sigh, time to move on with my life, and not give so much of a shit about people who don't actually give a shit about me at all.