Wednesday, November 09, 2005 // 11:31 PM

today i said to josiah, you are a very funny person, and he gave me a(nother) strange look and did not reply.

josiah reminds me of sebbie reminds me josiah makes me feel like i have an extra head, or something.

i think i've come to a point where i'm terrified of being alone, some times. not by-my-self alone, but. but something else, that i can't put my finger on, right now. ma remember how i used to do everything alone and how you felt it was so unnatural. people, they have become so very important to me, and i. i'm not sure if i believe in loners anymore, rather, rather people displaced from where they would rather (conscious or subconscious) be.

the a level people were talking in math last now, which was frightful. i can't wait to get past that point, to my eight month holiday. just thinking about having to slog my guts out eventually is killing this holiday for me.

you know what. i think all the Wrong Ideas about things that you unknowingly gave me have gotten through my thick skull, after these months. and. and as a result i have a very strange version of reality, in my head, right now, at least right now. i don't believe in it, not fully, whether i know it or not. i. i am waiting for it to break, like when the clouds part to reveal a splash of blue and you realise, all of a sudden, that you haven't been staring at the sky sky, all this while, but just another stupid counterfeiting cloud. cheated, cheated i might feel, of all my anger and all my uncertainty, already i react to your system with just a mouthful of rising distaste.

(but where is the sky, really. cloud after cloud after counterfeiting cloud.)

i read my archives, from the few months back, where i approached You As An Issue with a completely logical mind. i can't believe how rational i was, i can't believe how not i have come to be, right now, or, not right now right now, but. how irrational i have been, along the way.