Saturday, December 24, 2005 // 1:15 AM

fed up, fed up with myself again, and how i have left myself behind, lost myself, lost myself. all the while smooth, unflinching. play acting, like, like a child, and after a while. you've left me so utterly hollow, and i can't put my finger on the reason why, why, why. why and what am i doing to myself.

how many times do i have to say it, this one thing. before, before it gets through to my thick skull, i can't understand. how i can be so utterly conscious, unconscious, accurate, so completely completely. stupid.

lady. lady, sit still, say something. say nothing. i'm not a complete mess now, in some way i've managed to cheapen myself so much that i can function, with my lack of comfort in these shoes. but freak, freak this is tiring and i. i don't even know what i want, anymore.

i know what i want, or a bit of it, a polo mint. i want to go back to school because it means a mind-numbing routine, i want to hang out with shumay and talk for hours over ice cream, and things. things like that. hello shumay i got your letter today and i miss you like crazy. i want. i want my afternoon naps back, you have. no idea how much i miss you.

tomorrow i'm going to sit at coffee bean and not think not talk not move.