Sunday, December 11, 2005 // 3:46 PM

i have about half an hour to pack for ten days in australia, what i am doing online. i've been maniacally throwing things around my room in the last hour or so, i have a feeling this is going to be one of those trips where i find myself wishing i brought all the things i'd decided to leave behind.

i haven't had time to think, in the last six days, i think i will spend the entire airplane flight thinking about camp, writing about camp. (i think i will intend to but not, anyway, and this makes me sad) i'm still sleep deprived and afraid, afraid that i might end up taking the wrong plane, end up in istanbul, or something. travelling alone would be a more interesting experience if i had more physical capacity to take it in. i've hardly had time to put my things down and already i'm rushing around, going elsewhere, elsewhere, elsewhere. i feel so displaced, what has just happened to me? i don't even know where to start, where to begin.

neither have i had time to play the piano. or write, or talk to anyone at all. or not really. i'm going to miss my piano but i don't even have the time to do anything about that, right now. there are a million people i want to write to, but i also want to step away from everything, everything. lose myself in something else, i am excited at the prospect of ten days of wandering around a foreign city. but at the same time i'm just so overwhelmingly sad at the idea of leaving everything, everyone behind; all the hanging out we said we'd do, all the talking we won't have time for, anymore. i know that when i come back, it'l be another come back to chaos (albeit a happy one), and i, i. i have wanted for the longest time to take a step back from things and just be, just breathe. just take in the quality nothingness.

i can't speak, goodbye world, or world that i have known, for another week and a half. hello, hello and goodbye, all the people i have wanted to talk to, i am going to miss the time we aren't going to have, this holiday.