Tuesday, December 27, 2005 // 1:28 AM

im sorry. i've been a brat, i've been stupid, again, again. i'm sorry to the people i've blown off, in the last weeks, the last months. i realise right now how important you are to me, and how i have. trampled on your toes, and your feelings, by. being the person i have been, these last few i-dont-knows. i'm sorry and so i'm going to try and be real, to you, and to myself, all over again. i'm sorry for having cheapened you, and your trust, and whatever understanding we have come to have.

i'm not sure if you even agree that i've done this, or if you've even noticed the difference. but. but i have, and i can't help respecting myself so much less for this, and. for a lot of other things, really.

i'm sorry. i care about a lot of things that i seem to have forgotten, in the last few _______s. i half know what my problem is and i can attribute it at least partwise to childishness. at the root of things, that's really all there is, and i cling on to the idea that. that i'm not really just like that (i am convinced), and that there is more to me, and that certainly, certainly, i can be different.

i'm not sure if i can be things like sensitive, or patient. or that i can listen. i'm... let's see about that, shall we? some part of me still feels it all inevitable.

and at the end of the day i'm still quite a serious person. all the meaningless noise i make, i don't know if i can stop doing it. but. it irritates me too, this strange and unrecognizable person i am becoming. i'm left feeling so utterly hollow and i'm convinced, i'm convinced. i don't have to be like this. because i know i am not, like this, and i am encouraged, even, when people say that this, lately has not been Myself. i think it might have something to do with how busy i have been, lately, and how little time i have had to properly think about anything at all.

maybe i need to stop talking in absolutes, with all the hyperbole. me, me the manic idealist. needs to learn to be patient.