Friday, December 02, 2005 // 1:55 AM

im tired, i know this manic happiness cannot last. lifestyle wise, in about two weeks time, i just know that panic is going to start. mounting, mounting, mounting.

but i'm really happy today, from, from dvbs games, from four straight hours of piano, followed by half a good conversation with zhiwen, from worship rehearsal with delia. i very much appreciate the yam style of worship, so i don't know what i am going to be doing, during worship, in camp. camp sounds, exhiliratingly close, frighteningly fast, i can smell the end of it, already. i can feel the exhaustion of staying up all night, i can imagine dragging my bag into my empty room (which will feel lost, foreign, after the six day absence), the tiredness in my bones. i can see myself sleeping for nineteen hours, as i did, last year, has it really been a year? a whole year? when i can still remember just so many things about zyf camp 04, vividly, like they were yesterday, like that was more familiar, more real, and this, now, here, what i am facing. is whizzing by me, and i don't even know what just happened or what is going on, anymore. reality blurs, the way a roller coaster blurs, all the happiness i know in my head was there, it's all been squandered on my forgetfulness, on my hectic craziness. me, completely unprepared, and unable to really, fully, appreciate these days for what it's worth. youth, i am wasting, i am wasting it and i fully aware, fully conscious, i will have no one to blame but myself. and a year, i have come pretty freaking far in a year, a sort of emotional growth spurt, but long, long and drawn out, and already i am ready to move on, move on. so what is it with me and moving on, me and my seriousness that is just so sorely misplaced with my majority childishness. mindless, the external is mindless, and don't tell me it counts for nothing, there has got to be a decision made here and certainly, certainly. the external counts for something.

so i've been, madly busy, i cant remember the last time i had dinner with my family, though i tried, with lunch on sunday, though i just had a normal and casual phone conversation with michelle the sister in india, and it didn't feel uncomfortable. i no longer want to get out of here, in my necessary childishness, in my manic antagonism, but. but i've got my hands in too many things and i am all over the place, i am hardly here anymore. i can't do anything much about this until after camp, and so, so i need to let it slide for now, if only i could be sure that i wouldn't forget this in ten days time. but anyway. i haven't had time to think, lately, i haven't had time to dream, to chill out, i haven't had time to play the piano, even, before today. how long has it been? i haven't had the time to sleep, i haven't had the time to really talk to anyone for real, to write my letters, i haven't had time to be pensive, be mellow. i can't remember the last time i took a walk, or a long bus ride, or had time to myself. i'm not uncomfortable, not yet, but i just wonder where this is all going, how this all is going to stop, as it has to, eventually, or maybe it does not, maybe the business drags on and one, in one form or another, and there is. no end to things. i've lost sight of my own laziness, i've done this, i've surrounded myself with so much that i don't have time to think, and i have a feeling that this is deliberate, somehow, like, almost as if. i don't trust myself to have time to myself, anymore.

some day soon i am going to force a break, on myself.