Tuesday, January 31, 2006 // 10:06 PM

begs the question

i haven't done/seen/felt anything really beautiful for a long long time. maybe that's one reason why i've been feeling less than alive.

how i've been feeling lately also translates into my being very much self obsessed. i'm sorry, people, i do care. if i could see you, if i could see you beyond myself, i would care a whole lot more than i actively do, right now.

yesterday i realised i miss riding in kwanie's car. at night, watching many lights against a dark sky. or the road splayed out in front of me, long and endless and going places. kwanie plays music semi-softly, and doesn't drive violently, or i don't think so, anyway. hello kwanie! if you're reading this. night skies look gorgeous from the inside of your car.

after death of a salesman, i am going to read something happy, or happier. i don't know very many books that i can read and feel happy about, without feeling corny about. even my comics are sad, or my favourite ones, are.

i'm going to force myself to do therapeutic things. just because. a few things i can think of are exercising, reading, and doing mundane things like cleaning my room or playing a board game. i think i shall buy a board game. i'm also going to stop putting crap into my body. i'm not sure if i can start doing this all of a sudden. i think i might be trying to find myself, which begs the question, where have i been, then, all these almost eighteen years, outside when i've crashed or felt like crap? and if this is artificiality, or less than honesty, then have the last almost eighteen years been a lie? objectively speaking i doubt this is the case. bullshit, bullshit about that being objectively speaking, because i feel okay-ish now. i don't think i'm capable of speaking from the outside of my emotions at all.

i think i should have decided to do therapeutic things before the holiday started. not, um, right now. with an econs test and a history test and a million math tutorials pending. this is not going to be very therapeutic at all. or maybe i should come home after school and do my homework instead of coming online, it could be like a freaking board game, yuck. but that might prove too much of a shock to my system to be therapeutic. eiw. eiw eiw eiw. just thinking about it makes me feel like i might suffocate.

i also would like to sit down and psychoanalyze a lot of things, with someone else who would give me an outside perspective. during the cny boredom i read this article in some magazine interview about robbie williams letting some reporter document his life and he said something to the effect of why not it needs to be done anyway. i'm okay with crashing once in a while if i knew for sure that i'd come out of it in one piece, and a stronger or at least a functional, person.