Thursday, January 19, 2006 // 1:47 AM

meaningless stars

everytime i see you i feel the need to be more than myself. this is strange, i feel the need to churn out something, this is at the end of the day, artificial. why do you have this effect on me, and how can i slough it off, like an old skin?

i'm not always lazy, or committed to nothingness and mundanity. the things i care about i care about intensely, and the things that i don't really, i don't at all, i don't really, at all, and perhaps this is why i feel so very numbed over, watered down. maybe that's the thing about normal days, about being stacked up with so many things to do, so many deadlines to meet: i've half lost myself, all over again. i know i keep saying this and the frequency of its occurence in itself should make this less of an event, but i'd hate to believe that i will never be able to take hold of myself, with both hands, and not let it go, and survive, and live through all the mundanity that i am to live through. but, but i think, some part of me already does believe that, and has somehow come to be committed to a sort of consistency, a sort of mundanity, that i might choke on, that i might someday never be able to climb out of, again, to see the sky, to see the world, to see anything at all for the beautiful that i really do believe it is.

sometimes i wish, that every single thing i did was of complete inconsequence, in the larger scale of things. the only consequence i want to have bring about is the effect that everyday people have, on each other, and that's called relationships. that's not really a very ambitious thing, but if you ask me, people are just about the only important thing in the world, and meaning, if there is any to be had in this world, has got to be somewhere here, in their laps, under their skins.

i recall people saying that i'm in my own little world, and i don't know, really, i'm not sure if reality is someone i want to meet, if i could help it.