Saturday, January 07, 2006 // 12:49 AM

Self-love depressed becomes self-loathing. (Sally Kempton)

i've been a bitch for most of today, but i was a good daughter/niece/cousin for a few hours and so i think i made up for at least a bit of it. when i was still feeling crappy i psychoanalysed my irresponsibility, and, sigh. self love, self loathing.

there are a lot of things i liked about today, when i wasn't feeling crappy self consumed. coldplay, the sudden pounding rain, proper conversations with people, proper conversations with God. driving down long empty roads on the way home, ma singing beatles at the top of her voice. ma, i love you, you are the silliest ma i know.

i secretly think i'm really really evil. and secretly i keep covering this up from myself, in an attempt to bolster my own self-worth, and you, in an attempt to preserve some sort of facade. facade is a very good word for my Current Self (hello kevin) and is also something i want to take and chuck out of the window some time in the soon future. me, me and brutal honesty, and my endless, endless hypocriscy. how will i live with myself. i don't think the civilised world likes me very much.

i've been childish. i think i'm going to stop fighting it soon, i think the only thing i can do is wait it out. sigh.