Tuesday, January 03, 2006 // 12:54 AM

so angsty

all of a sudden, it feels like it doesnt matter what i say, anymore. the holidays, already they feel far away, and school jumps out of it's vacation box, with a start, and i am completely. not ready for this. this, this year, this 2006 business. when jc feels so artificial, so painfully artificial, i don't want to do it anymore. urgent, unimportant. tomorrow, it comes too soon, it pounds on my door, it refuses to wait. tomorrow i drag my exhausted body out of bed two hours shy of a good night's sleep, tomorrow i put on this butt ugly uniform and go back to place a hate, talk to people whose lives i am not really part of, learn more things that feel so utterly pointless, and misleading, misleading because of how they masquerade as things of some huge importance, oh yes, so very consequential. already. already i want to run a very long distance away.

normal days, hello normal days. what just happened to me, the holidays, that is: that didn't feel very real at all. or very few moments of it did. i realise now, it was all so very wrecklessly, mindlessly carefree, so very Too Good To Be True. i think i had a good day all day, waking up to a few hours freedom, playing monopoly/duopoly with the 88ers, talking to marvin over dinner. i haven't talked to anyone for the longest time, i realise, it is. it is different when i am trying to help someone feel okay, because that is not me, that is a function, a thing that i do. not unreal, but. i don't know how to say it. it is a part of me and a part only, and i. i have not been my whole self for the longest time.

i. in some ways i think i can say i am glad to be going back to school. school, and its routine mindlessness, and its mundanity, familiarity. familiarity, familiarity is underated, i do know. these past days i have not felt like writing but now i do, now i can be satisfied again, about it. reading my archives from before camp, i realise i knew exactly what i was doing, or rather, i was conscious of it, the whole while, of making myself too busy, of coming to a point where i would lose myself amidst all the things happening, all the things i put upon myself. i. i don't want to do that anymore, i really want to give myself less reason for anxiety. anxiety, it doesn't really sit well with me.

commitments, i have a lot of them, some of which it is a point of discipline, for me to keep, and some of which it is a point of discipline, for me to not. things like the a levels and my s papers are things that i can't run away from, as is exco. me and my piano, my teaching auntie sophia will probably continue cos i need the money, my teaching the youngers ones in church is something i'm deciding to cut down, slowly, because i really don't believe in all this handholding. hello, there really is a limit, and a fast-coming one, to what i can teach you, what can be taught, especially with playing with chords. hello, really: all you need is a piano, and time, time. lots of time.

me, me and my piano. lately i've been on a roll, when it comes to playing, it feels like something has been unlocked. the past 3 days i have played in snatches, and it has felt, ever good. wednesday before bible study i think i will go down to church and spend some more quality time with the grand piano. it has been. the one real thing to me, throughout this entire crazy period. the one real thing, the one sane thing, the one unmoving point in my helter skelter universe. that, that and God, but God has not been so fervently pursued as has been me and my piano.

God, hello God. the one thing i'm afraid of, with normaldays, is the cost of my coping with them. at expense of a focus on You, God? school, i do know that i'm going to get caught up in it, sometimes it feels like i don't have much of a choice, even. God. God You're a friend from whom i don't want to drift, again.

i think i should sleep now. i think i've already started this year on a bad foot in too many ways (overcommitting, not doing any of the three essays due) but right now, at least right now, i feel a little bit all right with the world. i'm looking forward to tomorrow afternoon when i get to take a bus back from school, plugged into my music, and completely mundane, for at least half an hour.