Friday, January 27, 2006 // 11:13 PM

some things you just don't doctor

one of these days i really do want to do nothing. a good long fit of nothing before i go back to school. sleep til noon, laze around in bed, read a book, read a comic book. today i had wanted to go down to borders and just sit there for a long long while. waiting for lunch with the gymmers. i'd like to feel like i have a lot of time to kill.

but i had a very good bus ride, and that made me very happy. me and my favourite seat on the double decker bus. and song after song on my mp3 player that suited my mood perfectly. i don't get this often, i didn't want to get off the bus, to here, to the sats book sitting in front of me yet untouched, to planning for what i'm going to be up to, tomorrow. i made a long list of Things That Would Make Me Very Happy Right Now, with xinyi. i got my bus ride, i'd like my chocolate eclair. i'd also like the sats to disappear away into oblivion, not that i'm worried about it or planning to study, but rather i think i'd muchly appreciate the opportunity to sleep in tomorrow. til about noon, before dragging myself out of bed to meet jean and go shopping, all over again. that'll be the third day straight i'm shopping my ass off, spending good money i don't have on everything i don't need. another funky ass shirt, another pair of pink shoes. i still don't have anything to wear for chinese new year.

the stitches in my mouth are turning colour, this is not a good sign. i can't wait to get them out, because i hate the idea of something so alien residing in my mouth. one thing that freaked me out, was getting back my (fractured) wisdom tooth, from the dentist, and noticing the lining of gum, still stuck to the bone, and thinking, shit hello that was part of my head. and that about two hours ago, it'd have hurt, a lot more than it would, if i tried to pry it off now. i did, by the way, it was like tearing raw meet, which i suppose is all it is.

by the way. i'm also running away from God, without really know why. there are good Christian answers to this, and i'd take one of them in if only i believed in them, right now. because God is not a religion, as fong would say. i think i'm just running away, but running away from what? like there is something i ought be dealing with, or something i have gotten frustrated about, and i can't name it, i can't put my finger on it. the closest i can get to any sort of answer is that i'm just so freaking sick of. fighting and answering for things.

it happened, today, what i was afriad of, last night: i went to sleep and woke up still feeling like shit. i'm not optimistic about tomorrow.