Tuesday, February 21, 2006 // 9:06 PM

i psychoanalysed the way i feel about you right now, the liberation and what it means. i'm reintroduced to my female neediness.

i feel like being nice to someone. i've sorely missed having someone take me driving. (does this count as using people for their cars? i don't mean it that way.) today for five minutes the world was gorgeous, da driving me down some highway, gorgeous sunset stretched out across the sky. my vision flanked by nothing but lamp-posts. the shadowy clouds against an amazingly blue sky, phantasmagoria, that kinyip and job mocked me for, on saturday, i love, i do love. i don't know, prettiness makes me stop in my tracks, to stand still and just look at it for a while. surely you'll concede, it deserves as much? i do think so.

today after gp we were talking about whether there was a difference between guys and girls (elgina versus the rest of the world) and i guess it's a thought that came from that snatch of a conversation with you on sunday, realising that you've developed a male ego right under my very eyes. and i think about the guys who i do like the very most, the ones who have been accomodating, nice, even nice enough as to let me walk all over them, at a point or other: kevin do you have a male ego? jobang do you have a male ego? thinking about what you said makes me feel a little sad, and a little cheated, because whatever you felt that you didn't admit to, back then, i think i did try to be honest with you from the start. this isn't fair of me. okay. okay i guess i don't have the right to selfishly feel that about you when really it's nothing more than a matter of people growing up. i just wonder about the shoes you've chosen to fill (well you have chosen them, you know, and there are other shoes to be had) and i hope that they're going to be the right ones for you, ones that you aren't going to want out of, sooner or later. actually isn't that what growing up is all about, so okay, fine, want out of it, i suppose you can be expected to. i suppose this isn't something i'm going to be able to understand, really, why you've chosen what you have. there's no perfect person to be, i know. but i still think about how you could have been the sweetest person i know. well yeah, i suppose: i do like unassuming people, don't i. part of me is a two year old and would like the company of people who might be as precociously naive as i can be, some times.

i want flowers, but not for valentine's day. i want something that will last for more than 3 or 4 days, a week at the most. i've been feeding my flowers sugar, those that i didn't throw away, because. it's depressing to watch them wilt and falter. flowers for valentine's day don't go a very long way. the guys in my class did some porny dance for us on valentine's day, which was muchly amusing, which was muchly sporting, and they just went up a few notches in my esteem. cynical feminist me.

sigh. some day i'll wipe the slate completely clean, even if just for a week.