Wednesday, February 22, 2006 // 11:35 PM

i rubbed the words off my bathroom wall, it took me eleven simon and garfunkel songs long of scrubbing, hands and arms stained with orange ink. it was. slowly cathartic, and the blank wall looks to me a blank canvas, i am happier now. symbolically letting go and feeling like i can move on with my life.

i realised about half an hour ago that i'm eighteen, or rather, that i'm no longer seventeen. eighteen as yet means nothing very much to me. annie lennox on my radio, it feels like i'm seventeen again. i'm not sure if i'm still angsty, but certainly i'm a whole heck better than i used to be. today i was thinking about thinking, and how i haven't done that lately, and how it was once such a norm for me that it frustrated me, how it frustrated me. i forgot that you need two people to make a conversation, and who have i been talking to, lately, anyway. it's not isolation, i am not feeling like a lonely little girl, right now. but i just wonder where all that talking went, and where it must be going now, left unvented.

you know sometimes it does feel like i've successfully managed to stop myself from thinking. and i could be completely completely mundane, and i am not. i am not limited, by anything, anymore. i liked the idea of scrawling RATIONALITY IS NOT MY GAOLER all over my newly clean wall, but i really do want it to change, over time. massive and dramatic declarations don't fit into this picture.

my routine's a piece of crap, i need a lot of work, to get my stupid unfit self into shape, again. i need a lot of motivation, to even get myself out of this sedation, inertia. i don't think i could stop myself from taking afternoon naps even if i tried. i think i might actually need more things to do, to teach me some sort of organisation. training is going to be the norm of my life now, but after april there's going to be this big hole where it should have been. the idea of all that numbing studiousness kills me, it does. the idea of putting in so much work for one history essay.

i'm going to retreat into my piano now.