Monday, March 06, 2006 // 11:03 PM

i'm a little disillusioned with things. i know people think i like arguing, but i don't. it's painful and pointless and acheives an absolute nothing yet i can't ignore it. perhaps, find me an island, i would live alone, since people are just such. complete and total assholes. ironically, its the xenophobia that gets to me, the self righteoussness that produces that knee jerk in me that really might explain us all.

much dreaming and many words are meaningless, therefore, stand in awe of God.

sigh. i used to love people. i think part of me still wants to. i'm just sad, why do things have to be like this, like that. can't we all just put it all aside.

i'm so sick of thinking. i'm tired and i just want to come back home from school and sleep it all away. or i dont want to, actually what i really want to do is get out of this feeling. having crashed, having cried for days. things are a dull thudding in the distance and reality. slides around like a goldfish in an empty fishbowl.

i don't usually dare to impose on people that way. i think my being so emotionally high maintainence shouldnt be everyone else's problem. my friends are an unfortunate bunch, then. i think in many ways i can be a traumatising experience, me and my messing with my own mind, me with my neediness.

i really want to grow out of this and be more stable. crashing is irritating, ella. pick yourself up. but at the same time i'm so completely sick of trying. i'm sick of fighting, i want to stop.

i think i do need anchors, in my life. hello fong you are one of my anchors. i can feel how i might be blown about by every strange and fantastical idea. by every experience, by every whim. spinning myself more and more and more confusion.

i think i'm getting self obsessed again.

talked to choo today, for the length of s lit. things like. the many wrong turns you make, before finding out what on earth it is you want to do, in life. comforting to know that the rest of things don't depend on that solitary moment, and yet, how terrifying, to think of.

im really sad at how things just get more and more complicated from now on.