Wednesday, March 22, 2006 // 9:45 PM

little miss instant gratification

hello, childishness is instant gratification, and a whole lot of melodrama, at its removal. and also this mad scramble for personality, for a frivolous and teetering individuality. like my irritation at charles for copying my gnome fetish, like jeannette going everyone's copying my words! somehow the idea of us all being a buncha overgrown brats doesn't hurt, because it really does explain a lot. it explains a lot of tedious offence, a lot of hypersensitivity on our parts. i actually find the accusation of my childishness more comforting than uncomfortable, because i'd really hate to think i'll always be like this. at least now i have the hope of growing out of things, even though i suppose maturity isn't necessarily something that will come with age. but it's like. it's like discovering the name of a disease that you've been suffering from. all i'd like now is the assurance that it isn't going to be terminal.

(and that jeannette is not going to take offence)

christl's random sms that day has gotten me thinking about what maturity is, exactly. or is not. i can only name the things that i've recognized in my past or present self, things like impatience, things like glorious glorious excess. and being inconsiderate, unreasonable, and wanting to own your friends. grace wrote in my birthday card, have you noticed that angst diminishes?

i don't think my self-worth should be based on things outside me. or on the outside of me. i can't believe this all the time, though. maybe someday i will.

moving on in my life from next year onwards, and trying to swallow the displacing idea of leaving home, or the only home i have ever known. i might find this a lot less scary with the knowledge that everyone goes through it, and everyone deals. everyone deals. with leaving, with travelling all over the world. i think what scares me the most is this idea of its irreversibility, where home once was, it now stands swept clean. so much so that if i ever wanted to turn back to the past i wouldn't be able to, if i ever wanted to retrace my steps, i would have to start from scratch, because scratch is all that's left. today i told jac that i think i'm just putting off this decision of where in the world to live (literally). last night i told ma that it matters to me to be with my family, but. but an endlessness or things, really.

and da just says, the freedom we've given you is also the freedom to crash.

sometimes i really hate my utilitarian-ness. i don't like it but somehow it has made the most sense to me. i hate the most that i end up applying this yardstick to relationships as well. and even if it does stand, i think i've also made mistaken proximity for closeness. my closest friends i talk to online, and nothing changes. ma made the observation yesterday that mich is the furthest from her and yet the closest, while mike is physically the closest (being at home all day) and yet emotionally the most distant. so i am in between. she made a million juxtapositions of us yesterday, my son doesnt want to do anyhting, my daughter wants to do everything. everything, ma, yes please. there's a certain due or undue greediness in my wanting to swallow the world.