Saturday, March 04, 2006 // 11:59 PM

sick and tired of being sick and tired

i'm overwhelmed with a sort of sadness. i'm really tired of being this way. i'm certain there's a way out of it, this discontent. i'm certain i can find my way out of it. but on the way, i'm still, overwhelmed with a sadness, a wistfulness, a jadedness. i am so close to being angry, at myself and the world, for neither of our being perfect.

i feel very numb about things. the last time i felt alive was standing on the bridge in school, looking out at the fast fading sky. and even then afterwards it just leaves me feeling astoundingly sad. sometimes i wish i were invisible, then i could sit there, and just watch things going on, without people staring at me. i don't care if they think i'm some big poseur, but i would like to see them the way they would be, without me in the picture. if i were invisible, i would go down and lie there smack in the middle of the outer plaza. looking up at the sky, feeling all that empty sound, around me. i did that once in nanyang, just sat smack in the middle of the quadrangle one afternoon after school and closed my eyes. i remember a lot of far away laughter, and feeling. more at peace with things then i would ever hope to be, running around, smiling at people.

i feel like i don't know anyone anymore. where is everybody? this feeling of being so alone makes me rather sad. something outside me tells me i should get used to it, isn't everybody like that, blah blah blah. but i know it's not, i know i don't have to be like that. and i refuse to accept this mundane-ness, geez. this is not living and i want out of it.

shaoning, and esther, made my day on friday. i am not a conservative girl in a lot of ways, in that much i am unable to relate to the rv girls. i want to be silly, i miss being silly. i guess silliness is not something you get in humanz. and so i feel like i can't breathe, can't breathe. but esther was funny, and sporting, and it rubs off me, the face-throwing, the silliness from shaoning's embarassingly bad jokes, not giving a shit what other people are going to think, say, about you.

during captain's ball i realised that going back to training, even with the little that i have, has really made me noticably more fit. i am a lot more agile, alot of stronger, i actually know what to do with my body.

i can think of a few good reasons why i might be happier living overseas. i can also think of a few more why i should stay right here.