Saturday, March 11, 2006 // 11:47 PM

this holiday. is probably not going to be an insanely busy one for me, is it? am i the only one who doesnt want to spend all my time studying? i want to watch a movie, i want to go out at least once this week. does nobody want to go out with me!

training gets me depressed, being so completely out of control. i was thinking, maybe it's a necessary evil, pent up frustration to fuel the masochistic fervour that enables me to put up with the physical pain of my body working overtime. okay, i might as well say it now: i regret not training, for those five, six months. i really do regret it. i regret the pathetic state of my body right now, i strain at least one muscle every single training. i fell on the trampoline that day, i blanked out in the middle of my back somer, with my body head down vertical in the air, the wrong way around. my eyes open to greet the net of the trampoline, rushing up to greet me. i. i keep blanking out in the middle of flips, these days, i. am convinced i am going to do a back somer and i find myself stunned a momemtn later having just done a back layout. on so many levels, i cannot afford to do this, and it frustrates me, that i forget my routine when i'm in the middle of it, that all my flips are a mess. while xinyi frets about her back somer, i don't have a single one i can do well right now, and it is my fault. i just know, i would do something stupid like this over and over again. i am stupid that way, i am thick skinned, thick skulled. don't learn anything at all.

lately i think i've been afraid of being alone, because of the swell of thoughts that have come, and how. completely confused i am. babbling, i'm afraid of myself now. okay i do. i do still feel alone, not as violently alone in my self as i did last week, going crazy to sebbie at three in the morning. but. but i miss a few people i could name, right now. kwanie called from australia and i wish he were still around, to go museum with me and what not. i thought about being like that, about being alone, living alone. having to cook and wash my own clothes, having to keep track of everything, personal admin. how, how. how frighteningly close. the world looks very big to me.

i'm growing so old, and. and everyone is a million miles away. i'm remembering something andrew once said, about getting attached because it forces someone else to make time for you. i think i'm trying to spread out my high-maintainance-ness around my friends. or maybe it's my being everywhere all over the place with so many people that has left me feeling. like no one knows me at all.

lately i've also been babbling to everyone. sometimes i want to apologize for sucking people into such intensely personal conversations. sigh. sebbie says i've been trying to be friends with everybody, i don't know whether that's true or not. maybe. but i do like people, it's just that lately i feel like i end up knowing people without anyone at all knowing me.

today i stood in the sanctuary, with the evening light streaming through the tinted windows, listening to a complete silence, a complete stillness. i feel, it felt like. like the world might end, outside, and. this slow and swirling centre of the universe would still be one tranquil piece. i. lately i've been a little too frustrated, to feel peace.

today i fell asleep in the clubhouse and. when i woke up in the lights off air con wrapped up in that sleeping bag. i thought of last year, and how just before camp i was there, talking to terence lying on the other couch. i. i. i. i. i really miss terence. i also really miss being close to people, relatively. i miss knowing what people are thinking, i realise. i like something daniel said to me today, about how he doesn't know who of his friends he really 'owns', if you know what i mean. i do know what you mean, and i. i don't want the floating around, knowing no one for real. i'm just, i don't know. feeling terribly much like solitude, and it leaves me sad, sad and wanting.