Saturday, April 01, 2006 // 10:41 PM

i realise i think i need a semi-regular reflection process, if not after a while i lose track of who i am. so here i am, once again. i don't feel the need to doggedly guard the Who I Am anymore, or at least, most of the time. but i'd like to at least be comfortable with myself to know where i am, where i stand, who the heck i am. if i have ever known.

that day in gp we did this exercise where we had to think of two adjectives to describe ourselves and i couldnt think of anything. and so i thought of what people have called me before in the past, and i gave the words impulsive and unconventional. and elgina's response of disagreement made me realise that either hello i have changed, or i am not myself, in school. i think it's a bit of both, really, it's me having grown up, i can actually feel this, the having been jaded, watered down. my turning into a boring adult. realising this about myself makes me kind of sad, hopelessly so, like i am fighting a losing battle, and i'm not even fighting, anymore. i don't feel like myself in school, and somehow i think the mundanity has defeated me, i have thrown in the towel and given in to the system. and the systematical brainwashing. and man, if this is people. i am so bored of people, and so bored of myself. help, HELP. because i can't remember the last time i felt fully alive.

school feels like. an out-of-body experience. i really am bored of this, bored of it all. bored and subsequently frustrated out of my mind. i'm sick of the stupid skirt in which i can't sit comfortably, can't walk the way i'd like to. i'm sick of all the grade grubbing and the waving of things in my face and the yelling of consequential! consequential! i know i've come to accept it, to some extent, but i really really really don't like it. even when i'm good at it, even when i'm doing fantastically well for history essay and all of a sudden having people want to zap my essay to read. even though you gratify me when i give you an honest shot, you just feel like some pointless shit.

it's almost like i'm tired of having my head on straight. i want to remove myself from everything, everyone. i want. the gorgeousness of looking at the sky and thinking nothing, nothing at all. i want also to go to the museum, to talk to people. some part of me is still a child, please, can't i be that way? is it wrong to be fascinated with things, is it wrong to be naive?

why the heck do i think it's wrong, anyway. my reality view is extremely extremely cynical. i don't like it.

there are things i have stopped being which are good but at what cost? and then there are some things i have started being which i'd just like to scratch out of my own skin. i think that at heart i'm still that topsy turvy girl. i think that i have learnt, however, and i have propped myself up with all sorts of things to keep myself functioning. and organizer to solve my disorganisation, sleep to solve my instability. actually a lot of things put together to solve my instability. a million therapeutic things, a lot of simplistically positive catch-phrase philosophy to neutralise the panic attacks, or firewalls, when i come close to burying myself in myself. really. never enough, never fully, a hundred percent. i cannot walk without my crutches. or i can, but really, really. some part of me does feel like i'm setting myself up for another big mess of my own emotions.

but i am a lot more stable now, aren't i? aren't i? some part of me is afraid that just after saying this i will crash, while another part of me is afraid that. i may never feel so violently again.

and i have also gotten ever, ever, ever so cynical. i know i've always been slightly so, but at least part of me has always been a manic idealist. almost to make up for things. but i feel like lately that part of me has been fading, or losing the battle.

i have a feeling. i will be stoical tomorrow.

i'm aching to really talk to someone.