Sunday, April 09, 2006 // 12:55 AM

i'm trying not to go. into another cycle of self-destruction. talk to people, not climb into another. bear pit of hysteria. i need a good dose of laughter, or someone to speak softly to me.

i'm trying to psycho-analyse this bout of unsteadiness. i'm really proud of myself for not having collapsed into emotional violence and (greater) insularity.

i think i really do need to learn to relax. to not be so completely uptight. me, me and my anxiety.

i just want to feel. more than completely alone. i have friends i know, they're somewhere out there and they care. i'm not asking for more. but they can't stand by my side and hold my hand all the time. after a while ven the most giving and forgiving person needs to go back to the juggling of his or her own world. their own lives and their own mundanity.

grace said today that sometimes its the seriousness with which we take things that messes it up. i've never thought about it before, and the more i think about it the more sense it seems to make. sometimes i think. i just need someone to tell me that things are simple, that things will be okay. maybe that's why i prefer talking to guys, some guys. things are simpler. there are not many people who would tell me of thing's simplicity whom i would believe, though. i think i need the evidence that you can see it from where i stand, to stop me from feeling like. you've simplified the person in me away. or at least show me that reality is different, can be different, from what i see. really at the end of the day i think that's the end of my issues with things. or sometimes i just need a simple feel-good, a funny comic, a good song, a sudden downpour.

sometimes i wish i weren't so needy. but i'll change my mind now: i wish i could find it a little more okay to be so needy. perhaps if i weren't such a femanazi, perhaps if the whole female strength thing didn't mean so much to me. actually i don't think it even does mean a very much lot to me, seeing as how readily i have traded it in for the feel good or the path of least resistance. i think the femanazi in me is a reactionary born of a simple psychological cause-and-effect.

i really want to let go. so that i can move on with my life.