Sunday, April 16, 2006 // 1:11 AM

in an attempt to return to honesty

kin yip called me selfish today. in the most indirect way, but the thought really bothers me. that in this particular decision i'm being selfish. sigh. i don't know what to think what to feel, anymore. i'm still frustrated with the Not Knowing and still want to move on with my life. but, but but but. why am i still here? still finding what the scavengers might find, still looking back, feeling more than nothing?

i just can't help feeling like there are no simple answers to anything that goes on, anymore. and that i'm sick of trying and that i want to learn to love myself unconditionally. is that selfish? kinyip said that selfishness may have that negative connotation, but it isn't really, because everyone's selfish. the idea of that, the idea of me having succumed to that, to an idea i just really don't want to believe. makes me sad. sigh. and yet some part of me just feels so strongly (i think) about it, about you can treat me good anytime you like. i was listening to that song, bachelor girl's treat me good on the way home, and thinking about how much of a victim i have felt, in the past. justified or not, deserving of sympathy or not. thinking about things from before just makes me feel so endlessly cheated, and i know i do know that i have passed on that token of poison on in my relationships. i'm sorry, really. i'm sorry for pretending, having pretended. but now i'm sick of pretending and i just want honesty and the having to undo all these bad habits isn't enough, because i am made the person i am by what i have come through to get to the right here right now. sigh. i want to love myself unconditionally because i guess. in the past i always felt that you(s) only wanted me the way you wanted me. and i was reduced to some sort of dispensible plaything of your callous emotions.

i don't think this changes anything. but waters down a previous conviction. sigh. but i really am tired of bottling and not knowing, i just want to put things down and be a normal human being, for a little while. dont talk to me about how normal human beings, we do this all the time, every single day of our lives.