Wednesday, May 31, 2006 // 12:59 AM

ache

Sunday, August 21, 2005 // 12:56 AM

"You can't blame me. I mean that literally. You're incapable of blaming me. You're human. Being human is choosing freedom over imprisonment, autonomy over dependency, liberty over servitude. You can't blame me because you know (come on, man, you've always known) that the idea of spending eternity with nothing to do except praise God is utterly unappealing. You'd be catatonic after an hour. Heaven's swiz because to get in you have to leave yourself outside. You can't blame me because - now do please be honest with yourself for once- you'd have left, too. "

"Astonishing. Tears. Jumping Jimmeny Christmas. She moves fast, this girl. It's been two-and-a-half years, going on. Gunn turns up, they open a bottle of wine, he tells her he wants to talk to her and zappo- the heart opens its wound and starts to bleed all over the place. (It is, you must concede, unpleasantly messy, this business of having feelings, this mattering to each other. I've always thought of it as gory, a sort of perpetually occuring road accident- eveyone going too fast, too close, without due care and attention, or with too much...)"

-(Glen Duncan's 'I, Lucifer')

i. i think of what dennis said, that we are just chemical creatures. you know, in the past few months/weeks i've regressed a couple of years in this aspect, my brain has fallen asleep in my head. i'm no longer charmed, and so, so i resolve to think no more about it, to draw the line at a full stop, this full stop.

today i realised that i act brain-dead, a great fat lot of the time. today grace said the words intellect gets in the way, and i thought about it, and they were the words i needed, for realisation.

i want to be fit(ter) again. i would go running right now if i weren't all seventh-month scared (i am). fitter, fitter happier. because since i left ny i've been able to put all sorts of crap into my body without even thinking about it, and i've gone for weeks and weeks without exercising, swimming for pe does not count. swimming anything less than ten laps does not count. i suppose only obsessiveness could inspire me to put up with the pain, and so, so i don't, not anymore. i wish i liked running, i wish i liked healthy food, the way fong seems genuinely happy, eating her copious veggies.

i'm resolved, i need to escape the meaninglessness. how, how do you live with yourself, how do you live with all this time? all this endless not knowing? i don't mean to scoff, i'm completely lost too, even while knowing the right way, to go. there's something inside that can't be rationalised away, do you know what it is? i want to someday change, i want to some day have the right to complacency, but i know it won't happen, and i know that if it does happen, it's going to be completely bad for me. oh please, i do know what's good for me, even if i often don't want it.

and i feel like letting go.

i want to ask where i went wrong, i want to force you to be honest with me. i know you would call this a lack of eq, well, well maybe. you should know, i'm impossible to get along with, some days, but really that's just me, not wanting to simplify myself, too selfish to make room for your preference, in the picture. im sorry, some days i will try, some days i just want to take you right out of your comfort zone. because you've gotten too comfortable, there's something in me that needs to tear down your complacency, perhaps for the sake of it? because someone, someone, has to be willing to say the things that everyone else doesn't want to hear. i'm sorry if i go overboard, i am learning, but i'm sorry (perfunctorily) because i'm not going to stop, i'm never going to stop. cos i don't believe you have all the answers, and i need to insist, there has got to be something more.

oh i'm not always that hard to get along with. it all depends on the strength of my resolve, at any given point of time. this need to take things seriously, it's utterly boring, i know.

hello darling. let's be matter of fact about things. let's pack up our lives and move on with it, let's get over ourselves. of course we've been lost in worlds of our own. so maybe, maybe we need a kick in the head, maybe we need a singular piece of shock, to take ourselves out of the haze. so let's... let's do something, let's watch a movie, let's do homework, let's have mundane conversation. something utterly uninteresting, something completely lacking in beauty. darling we need to learn not to think so much, darling we need to get out of the logicbox. please, please agree with me, i don't think either of us want to stay in here forever, with the lid close over our head, cramping our style (how does this work, grammatically?). so, so darling. let's get out of here but quick, before our visions blur, before our heads implode.

____

i liked the sound of my voice, there. yesterday, yesteryear. i remember this book, i remember this week, i remember crashing the most violent in two years, and skipping some school event (not like i would have gone anyway) and meeting shaoning for lunch, after that. i remember sharing something at crystal jade, the receipt is still in my pocket. i remember messaging half a million people on my phone, at 4am, desperately upset. i remember talking to michael, honestly, for the first time ever, i think.

and i was a lot nicer to marvin then i think. i say this because somewhere else in that post i dropped his name and it makes me think about how long ago that was. hurhur. how strange does that sound. at least, compared to an sms a few hours ago and how i really do roll my eyes. this. is a strange development, my being less nice. but i think it sticks, i think i am much less nice to a lot of people, to be honest. and nicer to others, it is kind of. a shift of things, in a horizontal direction.

i lack understanding. that saddens me. that i have no patience, that i'm really capable of being so terrible a person, somehow.

honestly, i'm aching to talk to someone. i don't know, it seems like it has been a long time, even though if i did the math i would know it has not been a long time at all. it has been twenty four hours, actually. some part of me wonders if i'm just being meanass in that i'm disatisfied with the people i do talk to. but i don't think that's it, somehow, like. like how i talked to kin yip on sunday night, friction-less. i want to be friction-less, uncareful, and. and how i have kicked quite a few friendships in the head, where that is concerned. you, there are a few of yous, that feel. like we're not on the same page, anymore. on saturday i said part of my life to kinyip, and i suppose. that's what it is, really, you, yous. not being a part of my life. while other people have come to be, yet others have gone away. i'm. sigh. i'm a little fed up at myself, or else a little sad that this is the way it is to be. i don't know whether i'm sick of people, or just. i don't know. there's a sort of bitter aftertaste, to things now, to sweet songs i used to sing, to old letters or old conversations, old understanding that we'll never have again. is it possible to get it all back, is it reasonable, realistic, to want it all back? i want it all back.

i want. to understand, and to be understood. to have someone look at my thoughts and tell me about them, i suppose. and vice versa, because. the walls aren't closing in, but it does seem so very empty. and all the while i know i do this, turn relationships into battlefields, or friends into victims. i'm bitter, i'm both needy and bitter and armslength away, all at the same time. and, i, really really really can't pretend that this is what i want, that this is contentment that i look like, right now.

i had a really good day but i've talked myself into feeling shit again. i don't know whether this is something lying at the bottom of things, or if i'm just thinking too much, all over again. somehow i don't think it's the latter.