Wednesday, May 17, 2006 // 11:11 PM

every woman adores a fascist

so i've been thinking, i confess, i'm finding it a little difficult to get out of my mind. somewhere inside i just know i am making a mistake, and yet i will go on making it. i don't know, what is it, what is it? i really don't know. i've been bowled over by i-don't-know-ness for days.

i have another confession to make but i refuse to make it. you'll have to come at me with picksaws, jackhammers. or a simple request if you can play me right, geez, geez. i can't believe how i crumble.

with some people i don't bother to argue because they know exactly how to take me on. and exactly how to shut me up. that's really amazing, how, how did you know, how did you do that. how did you know that i am a reactionary, over-reactionary, and that. that sometimes i need resistance to go on and on and on. and i am lost as to what to say, what do i do now, what other meaningless noies can i make. to mask my feeling of utter inadequacy.

and i will feel. foot-in-mouth if someone comes up to me and tells me that he/she suspects, suspected, has been suspecting. for the longest time. because i'm still embarassed, or not embarassed, but i haven't gotten over myself, haven't gotten over the sheer unpredictability well-done-ella-ness of it all. it's stupid, really. to not give up this desire to dictate my own emotions.

and this. this running conversation in my head is stupid. because it's Not That Big A Deal i know, but somehow that kind of answer is never enough. i need to let it out, like steam, like good news, bad news. what is it with me.

but i have learnt something very very new, about myself, about human beings, about these seemingly-but-not-quite-random emotions that i am so ruled by.

________

hellooow dawwrnnn. when did ahh say ahh was cormpleks ahh? ahhh theenk ahh dooo theeenk too marchhh thooeee. (so i might have said that huh) orr peeeeperrll tell mee sohh. deez zaat kounnt?

MOOOOOO. ellar give dawwrrnnn beeg huuugg and keeess :D

oh help. hurhur :D