Friday, May 12, 2006 // 11:40 AM

gail amuses me. hurhur. after years and years it seems i have finally caught onto her humour. and i now know (semi-know) what the cuban revolution was about. and am therefore slightly more qualified to wear my commie shirts.

i think i'm suffocatingly female, sometimes. i need someone to tell me to Stop ________. whatever _________ is. not that i would believe it for a minute sometimes, it really all depends on how someone might tell it to me. i've got nothing to be unhappy about, i'm a complete wreck of hormones perhaps. semi-depressed but i have been trying to stop myself from thinking too much.

i really hate people who are too male. geez. the only way i know how to relate to you is a sock in the face and a string of f words, geez. this is not really someone i want to be.

i think helping people makes me happy. when i'm over-busy i can hardly imagine the hollowness of being over-free, and vice versa. and when i'm over-socialised i can hardly imagine being feeling so alone in myself, but. but not vice versa. sometimes i think i'm just motivated by that endless fear.

do i have friends, where are they, where are they. the last time i felt this way i told sebbie that everyone had left it seems and he said but i'm here. and i never realised how much that meant to me until it came down the trade cycle again and i found myself completely lost. it is too much to ask of friends, i know, to stay where i might keep an eye on them, it might be too much to ask of me. (would it?) but. but somehow i think the friends, and the knowing i have a point to someone's life. would do so much to keep me sane, and at least a step away from (further)depressing self-deprecating thoughts. loose change and insecurity rattle around on my insides.

you know i really gave a shit, for those five seconds, five minutes. it's too easy to win my love, and too easy to lose my respect.